July 2012

What a concept. It is July 25th. Temperature stays in the 100's, the kids got the short end of the stick for summer vacation, Dad and I both started new jobs May 15th.
So my problem is we failed to make the July house payment, we are barely getting by, and now we are looking at putting 3 kids in school. In 2 weeks.
Today was bad. One of the crawl in a hole kind of days. I can go to work and function most days. Today was one of the can't listen to Pandora cause everything makes me cry days. I really thought that the bank was going to cover the house payment but they returned it. I wanted to talk to honey about how we should handle what was left in the bank after that but we were too busy last night, watching TV. So today when the phones went off I just paid the past due so they would come back on. The total devastation was unexpected. I was quietly hoping to make it all the way to payday (which happens every Friday for both of us) with some "black" in the bank. How sad is that we get 2 paychecks every week since may 15th and we still can't pull off a positive balance!
We really thought that Honey being home every night would be a good thing. So he got out of a truck. Well the two years he was gone was a much bigger deal than even I knew. It is not the same. When he left I really wanted to be strong and for him and the kids. I failed. But he changed. When he left I could not imagine life without him here. I did not want to live without him so we did little so he would not miss out. Now we can't do anything without arguments.
Tonight he is angry that he had a do better talk with the kids last night and today nothing was different. I really could have come home and crawled up in his lap to hide from the world but he was angry. I went in the bedroom when the yelling started, he rolls his head at my "giving up". Then he goes and picks a fight with the teen because she is just like me. All the while one of the old truck driving buddies is getting closer to the house to bring "us" money for the mighty middle who is now in football. After the unproductive talk with the teen he comes in and wants to start a conversation with me only the buddy shows up. I stay in my room cause I have nothing left for the fake smile and how are you's. So I wait. The buddy leaves Honey comes and gets in bed. He is snoring as I write.
Not to long ago, like in the last two weeks we shared a Monday off because while getting ready for work we got snappy at each other and he crossed a line. I told him we were through. By the end of the day we managed to get on the same page and had a plan for getting out of trouble. Then there was a day where the we had a serious break down and I suited up for battle. The only problem is I only know one way to to battle. That is to protect me and those behind me at all costs. The problem is Honey is the first thing I have to go through because he is standing right in front of me, looking at me, demanding answers I don't have. Well he begged my not to do that. He said, I fought you once to get you I don't think I can fight you again.
Yet here we stand, toe to toe. He is in the polar bear position and I feel like a mouse. The last thing I want to do is fight that big old bear but the louder he gets, and the taller he stands, and the louder he growls, the less I feel like I have a choice.
     He growls, I need you! I need you to find the thing that makes you happy. I am hard wired to go to work and get a pay check to take care of my family, I do the band for fun. What do you do for fun?
     I stare.
     He growls, you come in here and hide in the bed. You have to go get help, hell, I need help with my anger. We all just need to go talk to someone.
     In battle gear I would have told him I do nothing for fun because I am too worried about the other four people in the house. I spend most of the time explaining to the kids that we are supporting Dad's dream of music and that is why our life has changed so much. We can't talk to anyone because that is the stupidist thing you have ever heard of! However, I am not in battle gear so I stare.
And now I am so lost in the everything I can't sleep and he snores.
The house is looking much better these days but we don't tell the kids thank you, we are angry it is not "perfect". That is a relative term since we live in a junk infested college dorm.

Oh God! We have nothing. We sold everything of value and now we stay in this house we can't afford trying soon hard not to look like poor white trash. I may be the only one who will ever understand how bad that realization hurts. The part that sucks is we don't even have the happy home that make poor worth it. I guess I will go work on my breathing, since that has just gotten really hard to do. Good night. 12:03 am July 26th.

I spin one way as the World turns another...

As I sit here wondering why things happen I have to ask; how, when, and what?

I have reached a place in my life where the only answer is better living through chemicals. The anti-depressants seem to be helping. I am having more good days than bad.

I am having a very hard time with Honey being gone all the time. Even though he goes for work. Even though he works hard to provide a life for the kids and myself. I miss my protector. I remember that above anything that was said when we were wed. As we stood together, so far from home, in order to make legal a bond we already honored, I remember that he promised to protect me. This meant so much to an unsure, shy, scared, single mother of one (at the time). I wanted the man I loved to protect me more than anything in the world. Someone to love me and protect me, how could it ever be any better than that? Now 10 years later...I am all but a single mother of 3. I never in my life wanted to be a single parent. I surly never expected to be a single mother while married to the man I love and who still loves me.

Some days are better than others. I have been working the finances very hard since I came up out of my last abyss. Now I can see the end of the tunnel. The light seemed to be coming from everywhere. I would soon be able to work the budget like I need too. I will have more income than bills, if only by a little. Only that was not to be. In the last 3 or 4 days Honey was so busy doing his job that he forgot to be careful. We now face unimaginable fines in 2 states, the possibility of losing the job that was getting us back on track, and most devastating of all Honey has lost faith in himself to provide. He his hurting and broken so far away from home that I can not help him. He is required by law to stay where he is for no less that 34 hours. Which means that he won't even be able to make it back for the up coming holiday. To increase all the guilt and pain, now he is not just letting down the Company, the family, but also the friends that were very much counting on us to be there for the 4th of July.

The last time he was this far away I had to call him on the phone and tell him that his mother had passed from her cancer. I could not comfort him then either. By the time he got home the walls were built and all I got to see was some break through anger on very rare occasions. How bad will it be this time? How far will he retreat because he knows this is all on him? Nothing that is said or done will be able to make that ever go away in his head.

I can not be the rock he needs me to be without a great personal cost to my own well being. I will. I will be the rock and mortar that keeps this little world moving. A painful dance that requires us to loose ground before we may make forward progress again. I will be lost again. I just hope I have been given enough strength to get my love out of his awful place before I go down. I walk into this dance knowing the cost and do so willingly, not that there is really a choice for me. I love him more than anything in this world.

Help?

Well I have found someone (professional) to talk to. I have found a clinic closer to home so maybe the medication will remain regular.

I went to see my new friend to a week ago, and then set up to see him this week.  He called and had to reschedule. Nothing like looking for help then get juggled after the first visit. I am still hopeful that this will be good for me. My new friend did tell me that it was brave to take the step to look for help. Many people in my position don't from what I understand. I don't know if it is strong or brave or whatever, I only know I want to be better and this is my last resort. If Dr. Friend can't help me find my way I know of one more place to look then I truly do not know what I will do. I have had medication, and tried to find help before but never at the same time. I have yet to find the right combination.

I am in a very bad place and my marriage could suffer from this like no other in the last 10 years. I feel so alone. He promised to protect. However, he is so busy providing for our family that he can't be here to be a part of this family. I never wanted to be a single parent and certainly not a married single parent. I know there are people all over the country who get to be in this position for one reason or another. And I admire every single one of them who can do this. I am not one of them. I need a support system. I wish I had a better one. I wish I had a mother, father, sister, or brother to talk to and share life with. I have let all those relationships slip away. I have all those people in my life I just don't have a relationship with any of them. I recently reached out to all of them and got no response.

So alone in the dark vacuum of space I endlessly fall. No sound. No light. No Help, this week anyway.

Lost

As the darkness seeps in, I see the color draining from the world. I see the darkness as a smoke slowly filling the room that is my life. I see the relationships that will suffer.

I am afraid of loosing to the darkness again. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid for my family. I know more than anyone that I am not easy to live with when I get lost in this place. I WILL be making calls tomorrow and looking for some real help this time. I need doctors that are closer and more available.

My key indicators are this:  My pain is increasing, I my need for my husband is compounding by the minuet, my tolerance with the kids is going down and instead of parenting I want to recoil. I am pulling away again.

I am in free fall. I don't scream because there is no noise here. Even in the waves of dark, loneliness, guilt, lack of emotion, self destruction I know that no one would hear me. I want to jump up and down, shine my survival  mirror in the sky for searchers to see, start a large wet fire with lots of smoke that can be seen for miles, I so do not want to be lost. Only like hypothermia, all my scenes are dull, my movements are sluggish, my words are slurred to the point that the people standing around me do not see the bad things about to happen. I will be accused of "quiting" or "even if there was a pill that could cure you tomorrow I'm not sure you would take it because you hold on so tightly to this".  I will be accused some day of neglect. Of being a bad mother for not being able to cope.

I AM NOT THINKING OF HURTING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. I just know that even though I will be here physically no one will be able to count on me. I will not be the person I need to be for those around me. I want the people I love to have the strong woman they need in their life, instead of me.

I walked away from more than one abuser. I stand up for others with my life. I have known passion. I have known happiness. I have made my own hell. I have fought for what I wanted. I have been an active parent. Where is that woman. What has happened to me.

There was a time very recently I thought my husband was done with me. Now even worse, I found myself wishing for strong arms to turn to since my husband is not here. I wish for someone who could make the hurt go away. I never wanted my husband to be off living his life and me be here living a separate one. I want someone here to live with, to raise kids with, to talk to, even worse I want someone close to me who can just hold me when all I can do is shake and cry. Someone to be the parent when I can't. I want to be able to take turns sleeping in and cooking on the weekend. I don't want to be in the country anymore. I want to be close to the park, pizza, friends, and stores. Not for me but for the kids. I want a yard I can mow and I want the trash men to come and take my trash away. I don't think I would be "better" I just think the people around me could cope better if they had things they could go do. Hang out with friends at Sonic, or ride their bikes in the street. Play with the neighborhood kids.

We lost a father, we lost a mother, we lost friends, we lost horses, we lost dogs, we are now losing the cat. There is so much loss. Spinning, falling, tumbling out of control and there is nothing to hold on to. Everything is lost along the way.  I don't to lose any more. I have no control. I can't even pretend or maintain the illusion of control over anything in my world.

Maybe the day light will bring the help I need. I know the sun is supposed to shine and the weather is getting warmer. I hope to find the help I need while I still can. I hope I can move fast enough that I do not become completely lost in the darkness forever.

What Now?

It has been awhile.

 I can't believe how easy it is to get lost in my own head. Conversations with my mother, or Honey, or even the kids can drastically affect my mood. How do manage my moods when I can't control the world around me? I can't change the fact that my mother believes that we are moving into a "Red Dawn" type of world. We will be living in the worst times that anyone can remember. After talking to her I must deal with the fact that if this becomes a reality then most of my family will die very quickly. Without the proper medication most of the lungs in our family with quit working under enough stress. In a world where we must adapt or die, I will lose most of everything.

Along with that there are people who believe in me. They "know" I am capable of so many great things. In that, I'm stuck not only letting myself down but the many others who are counting on me. I have the greatest desire to do amazing things but only if I can do them perfectly and with all my attention. The problem is there are many things in my life that need my attention all the time. Potty train the dog, feed the pets, clean out the cat litter, pick up the trash, do laundry, do dishes, raise the children, maintain relationships, and so much more.

 I have recently diagnosed myself on the verge of a very serious hoarding problem. I always thought I was just a "pack-rat" but it is very clear to me that with the right trigger I could spiral out of control without notice. This is very scary because I try to "control" my surroundings by keeping "things" around me. (I believe with all my heart that control is an illusion.)  The problem quickly becomes that I get claustrophobic when the house gets out of control which makes it almost impossible to get up and do anything about it. My kids are living in the trash that is my life and the only thing that keeps it from getting out of control is Honey. What if something happens to Honey.

So here is what I know:  Perfectionism can be debilitating. It can lead to OCD or the other way around and they feed off each other. Insecurities about losing control and losing people leads to the "hoarding". I know I am at risk because I know I want a home that has curtains, nice furniture, and a place for everything. The problem with that is some of the places for things are in boxes under the bed, in the corners, in the kids closets, in my closet, and when I have help I may even shift some of the "clutter" to another building on the property. I have asked for help. I ask people to come into my home and show me what are the things I do not need. I ask my Honey. I ask friends. What I have learned from some of the TV shows I have seen is the experts want the hoarder to make dessions about every single thing. I have seen, even through the editing of the show, the people have a very hard time with this part of the healing process.

Ok, so in my head I have too many things. Things that are not important to everyday life. The problem is I can look at and touch any of those things and tell you why I think I need to keep it. I can tell you what every piece of toy goes too or whose favorite it used to be. I can not tell you what needs to go away. I have gone through periods in my life where when I pack a box I date it and if the tape has not been broken in a set amount of time I throw away the box. I can not do this if I open the box. I can not determine what needs to be given away to others. When I have tried to make donate "piles" then I just have another reason to not get rid of things because I don't ever really go to places to donate things. I can not go through my things and decide what would go into a sale. I have people in my life saying save everything but I don't ever take the things I am supposed to save to the people who want them.

What is worse? The fact that I can tell you about this illness. The fact that I can see what needs to be done. The fact that I can not do what needs to be done. (The only time I can do anything is when I am angry and I must throw the things away. Those times are rare.)  Then there is the fact that I believe I could walk into another's situation and could help them go through and decide piece by piece how to de-clutter their world. Why can I tell my kids how to fix the problem in their rooms but I can not show them how to do it? The last time I almost had help I was so ashamed of the condition of my home I would not let my very dear friend come out and help me.

It is amazing I function at all! All I want is to function better! The darkness has taken over again. One reason is, I have found it very hard to call in my refills. If the world is going to end as we know it then I won't have them anyway. BAD THING, VERY BAD THING.

Some of My Triggers

I struggle on the daily level. Last night I had a melt down. I sat down with all the little ones sick, motivated to work on projects that require my attention. I had not even planned to watch the major sporting event for the evening, but Little Man asked for it so we turned it on. As soon as we turned on the TV the volume went straight to stress. The Little sick one started whining at once for a dinner that was not on the menu. The Oldest Boy was not listening therefore we had to encourage better behavior. In the middle of all that Honey took a call since he is a loud person the conversation was loud. 

"I am here for you" 

It took all of about 15 minuets of all this going on for me to lose it. I was yelling and upset with no stopping me. I started second dinner and Honey came in and after a heated debate took over with me retreating to my bed. I have figured out that the noise level can be a trigger for me just like the mess. Also, when I finally find some motivation, it does not take much of anything to totally derail that attempt. You add a week of sick kids locked in the house by bad weather with Honey leaving for the week with more bad weather on the way and you have a perfect storm for panic attack with a lot of anger. 

"I am here for you" 

Those words ring in my ears often these days. It has been over a month since they were spoken yet they are still breaking my heart. "If you are here for me then why are you leaving me?" I know that the bills have to be paid and I know that Honey must be the provider for our family. It is built into who he is and I could not do it. However, with my new resolve to be the Mother I should be I am struggling with being here alone. Without Honey everything seems harder. On the flip side Honey has no more patience for my "condition" and he is increasingly agitated. So even when he is here things are still hard. I don't like the avalanche affect that happens between the noise, desire, obligation, and guilt because I am hurting my family. 

"I am here for you" and now it is time for me to go "be here" for my children.

Today I will try living my life not just being in it.

Just Breathe

I have been having a bad week. I have had 2 sick kiddos. We are all locked in the house until yesterday when the 4x4 came home. The winter weather has had my 1/2 ton, bald tired pick up stuck at the house for four days. For some reason being alone with the kids for that long makes it very hard on me because the mess multiples insanely. The Teen managed to clean up the house while the boys were sick and Honey and I went to get the other car so she could have a friend over.

I got to have a long time with Honey on the 90min drive there and back. He wanted me to know that he loves me very much and I am the center of his and the kids' world. The thing that took my off guard was the simple statement, "Being a Mom is the hardest job in the world. You won't get the appreciation or respect you absolutely deserve. Did you appreciate your mom? Did you tell her thank you every time she did things for you? I know I did not appreciate my mom and tell her thank you nearly as often as I should have."

Ok, I know that I did not appreciate my parents. I also know that as a child I did not see all the things they did for me or my brothers. A lot of what parents do for the family is never seen by anyone. All the long talks that go into how to punish, or how to make life better for the kids. I know that I have been involved in many sacrifices on behalf of the kids that they never see. I do them because I love my family but if they don't see the process that leads to what ever, then how can I get my feelings hurt when I ask for help and they don't respond. If I go without something so the kids can go to the football game on Friday then I can't expect total cooperation on Saturday when I ask for help with the dishes. To my children the two things are completely separate.

So the question becomes, "Can I be the completely unappreciated Mother I need to be to raise healthy, happy, productive children?"

This thought provoking conversation has brought on very hard questions. How do I manage my personal issues and still be a mother? Can I be totally invisible and be the bad guy. Make the kids learn the lessons they need to learn but they would rather die than learn "that?" Can I be that person? Can I find my joy in doing the right thing without recognition? Why do I need the recognition? Why do I look to my children for validation of my life?

I guess I need to come up with a plan that involves me doing what I have to do No Matter What. I need to take mommy time outs and I can fall apart when I am alone after bedtime. I need to relearn how to live in my life. I need to learn how to be here and not make everyone around me miserable. Figuring out a plan has got to be priority. Changing our lives will have to start with me. I will keep you updated as to how that goes. Because I am not really sure how this will play out.

What if.....

What if I trusted myself....? What if we had the money to pay the bills....? What if I had my husband around to help me....? What if I had everything my heart desires....? What if I lived where I want to live....? What if I trusted God....? What if I had a plan to get out of debt....? What if I cared about my debt...? What if I went to work....? What if I don't go to work...? What if ...?

I had to go to the school and pick up the Oldest Boy on Monday. Since 4:15 Monday afternoon I have been alone with the kids. I believe that the kids are taking turns getting sick. The Oldest Boy had fever since Monday night. The Little Man has picked up the cough. There is a chance the bigger kids can go back to school on Friday. How funny is that? Tuesday through Thursday out for bad weather. It has been so cold here the kids don't even want to play outside. Well they want too, but every time they try they get too cold after about 5-6 minuets.

Honey changed jobs and started last Friday. He left last Sunday. He delivered Monday, picked up on Tuesday, and delivered that load today. We don't really know what this job will do for our family but my Honey is thinking that it is better. I am defeated. I am overwhelmed. I sit here paralyzed tonight. I am facing another day with all the kids home by myself tomorrow and I got the 3rd five min phone call today and was included in the beginning of a conversation that was if the band was not gigging this weekend due to weather, then he would just stay out on the road to get us a good check on the first payday.

Every time he has called today we were cut off by someone who needed his attention more than I did. Something about work most times. Tonight he will be staying the night 45 min away from home because he would have to get up too early to get there on time in the morning. Tonight he will go to sleep before I do and will sleep longer that I will. The kids have an internal alarm that goes off at 6am everyday but school days.

As I sat in my living room with my head in my hands trying to focused on breathing and not giving in to the panic attack, I decided to write this blog. I can honestly say that I will be getting up to take medication in just a few minuets. The Teen is watching the Little Man and the Oldest Boy is dosed with fever medicine. I can now take meds and only have to worry about the awake kids a little. I am just breathing now... in..2..3..out..2..3. Honey just posted on facebook. I have not talked to him for more than 15 minuets all day.

I see the other people in my world that are struggling with things like pain, finance, emotion, relationships, and many other things. What if I don't survive....? What if I don't have enough ____to get through the wilderness...?
This is an idea of what the bad days look like.

Just an idea.
(I really have to go focus now before I lose it completely.)

How did we get here?

The hope I felt not to long ago is slipping into the dark places. I have had too many panic attacks that required medication lately. I still feel lost and some confused. I have the overwhelming desire to clean out the clutter in my life. I am lost and without the motivation to get up and do anything. I have kids that need raising. I have a husband that deserves the best from me and I want to give him my best. I also have a family in the area who need me as well.

I have discovered that I rely on my husband very much. I always have. I heard my husband say the other day that we are in a rut. I guess after 10 years, you might expect that to happen. Here's the thing, I did not even see it coming. I have been waiting here for him because I wanted to live life with him. I wanted him to be a part of the memories the kids have. I just wanted him. Only with work and the other aspects of life we get moved to the back burner. I know he does it because he is so focused on the road. He is so busy trying to provide for us and make things work that he forgets we are waiting for him to be here.  I have listened to, "I will get to that. I will do that. I will take care of that," so long that I am more often than not shocked when he actually does those things. I would like to explain that a little.

Almost 8 years ago I moved out of my comfy, 20 minuets away from anything I could want, apartment. I moved willingly to Honey's roots. He and his family have lived on the same 5 acres for 34 years. We took over the recently divorced brother's home and took up the payments. One of many reasons we moved out here was the brothers did not want to leave their father out here alone. After 2 years of that we were in a position to get a home loan on his repaired credit. We took on a 4 bedroom home and 5 more acres touching the family's land. I never questioned my decision until very recently. Recently it has been so deep for me I wished for a house in town so the kids could walk to school. His father was living on the property with us until the summer of '06. Little Man was born almost a year later. Oldest Boy has been here since he was months old and The Teenager had her 5th birthday out here. That makes my Teen the only child who remembers living anywhere but here.

When I got here The Old Man had chickens, a calf every now and then, and some dogs. The animal population has fluctuated up and down with the ups and downs of life. We have had anywhere from 2 dogs all the way up to over 30 hogs and 12 horses. We even ran some sheep and goats for awhile. One summer we even had 3 litters of pups on the ground at the same time. I did alright with all of this for awhile but I get really attached to the animals (all except the pigs and chickens.) So it gets really hard to deal with the hard times when we have to get rid of everything due to lack of money. Now we only have 2 outside dogs, 2 rescue cats inside to catch mice, and 1 inside dog after the recent downsize.

When we got out here we spent a lot of time cleaning up the place. I would have to wait for Honey to help because there was 30 some years of stuff here that was not mine. We cleaned up the horse barn. We cleaned up the rabbit barn that we turned into a goat barn. I was so excited to have barns. My Honey was a part of the building process from the ground up. We started organizing the feed room. We got rid of junk cars. We hauled off trash. We did not work on it all the time but we enjoyed getting out and working together.

Just about the time we lost The Old Man and found out we would be adding Little Man I started traveling down the slope that has become the abyss I live in now. At that time, Honey had a good job in the oil field, but it required him to be on-call 24/7. We had benefits, a retirement package, enough money to pay the bills and extra. There was paid vacation time and even sick leave. Things worked out well when he was out of work 8 weeks for an emergency surgery. We had to let the boat go back but were able to keep the house and land we closed on only a month before. However, because of the work ethic he has, he had to "pay back" that time.

That made things more and more difficult as time went by. The job made life better for awhile then it made things worse. Untill he was under so much stress it was almost unbearable. He just got so angry. The whole family would hold their breath whenever his phone would ring. He would take whatever time he had to rest, so less of the "chores" got done. At that time I was still capable of maintaining on my own fairly well. However, the more I was left in my own head the easier it became to just accept. This is about the time the promises from Honey started feeling like just words to get me out of his hair. He was not ever really home enough to take care of such things and when he was we were all just waiting for the phone to ring. It got really hard to start anything. We quit going anywhere out of the concern that he would just have to turn around and go to work. We had to check in with work if we went outside of the cell phone coverage area because one Christmas Eve we were with family and work could not find him.

Honey has changed jobs several times since the "good" job and now instead of being on-call 24/7 he is just gone. He leaves sometime Sunday and does not get home most weeks until late Friday night or even early Saturday morning. So we just don't see him. When he is here he is busy with things that require his attention elsewhere. I can think of relationships where that would have been ideal, however, I need this man. I love this man. Now it is getting to the point that every time he grabs the keys I want to beg him not to go. Please don't go to work. Please don't go chasing dreams. Please don't go spend time with your friend. Please just stay home this time, I need the help. Many times when he leaves we are upset with each other for things said or left unsaid. Now we are to the point that he is angry and I don't do anything. The land, house, chores, kids, parents, pets and well everything has all been left to me to handle. Only I never wanted to do any of this alone. That is how I feel more often than not. Alone.

He calls a lot less than he used too. I call him less than I used too. Now we might only get 30 to 45 minuets of conversation all day with everything that is going on. I used to brag that we had the best communication of anyone we knew. We effectively discussed everything. Now I get updates of where he is at, new drama in the band, and other drivers. He gets, life is the same and the kids don't listen.

It was easy to make the slide because I was always prone to having "funks" as Honey called them. Only before, I could "come to my senses" and pull up out of it either on my own or with a little help. I don't think I really got over the "baby blues," which only makes it worse. This time though there is no pull myself out. I have had to get medication for depression and panic attacks. I have been putting on weight for about 2 years and around the 200 lb mark I could no longer pretend in my head that I was still 150 lbs. The image in the mirror finally became the image in my head. Deeper I go. Now we are in the process of fighting bulging disks in my back with no real health care. Deeper I go. I had surgery once already. The doctors have told me I need another surgery or two but the Indians don't do surgery on backs. We owe big bucks for the MRI I had done with the insurance from the job last summer. Deeper I go.

Even though I can sit down and say all of this, the light of hope slips away as the abyss takes back over. I talk, write, even help others while making no real progress in my own life. I knew it was bad when Honey said to me, "I am here for you. I don't have to leave [for work] until later and I will still be here for you." All I could think was, "if you are here for me then why are you leaving me?"

I want to live my life, not just be in it.

Watching The World Work

We have many oppertunitites to watch the world work and we also are given the chance to watch what faith in the Lord can allow Him to do in the world. I find that often my struggling includes God. I question what I really believe in. I found myself in a position to watch both work this weekend and I am amazed all the time.

My family has with great pride decided to support my husband in pursuit of his dream. His dream is music. This decision has side effects. We are not always smart with our money. We are often short on cash and wonder where bill money will come from. See he has the ability to make very good money, only we take jobs that allow him to be where he needs to be to work on the music. I, along with back issues that make it hard to get a job, was made a promise by my husband so I get to stay home with the kids. So until the music works out (whatever that may look like) we struggle with money.

This weekend we ran out of gas pulling the band trailer on the turnpike. We called some people and they were busy or did not answer. Then I called the last person in the world I wanted to call because I know the financial struggles she is going through. "I don't have any money but I will come get your right now," is what she told me without hesitation. I asked her to wait to see if we could find another solution because I was leary of leaving the band trailer on the turnpike. She called right back and said she was on her way, her ex-husband gave her the money to bring us some gas. You see my friend and her ex-husband have been challenged recently and have turned faithfully to God to walk them through. Oddly enough they were the only ones who answered the call and were willing to do something to help us.

I started praying as soon as we left that we would make it home. (And we did but not without a lesson first.) I started counting blessings when the gas light came on. My friend came in what seemed like record time. You see along with being stranded on the side of the road with the entire family, my little man was suffering from an acute stomic virus. Thankfuly we had enough plastic bags in the car to get us home. She followed us to the gas station in town where she tried to buy us some gas. God had other plans. As my husband humlbly took the $3.60 in change he found in the car we were given the chance to believe in strangers. The man set the pump for $4.00 and told my husband he was sorry that was the best he could do. As we all got started home my husband asked me if I had been praying and I told him I had. Then he told me what the man at the gas station did.

I learned the people in your inner circle are vital and they can be trusted with everything even if they have to tell you no sometimes. I learned that when we are faithful God can do amazing things. While $0.40 may not seem like a big deal to you and me, at that moment it was a huge message from God to my husband. Honey is still processing but he told me it was huge.  I also learned that even when I turn away from my Father he always takes me back with open arms. Sometimes the lessons sting and sometimes I don't get it at all but He knows the plan and makes sure to give me as many oppertunities as I need to learn.

Thank you Father for all the blessings in my life and thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there all the time. A-men.

Who am I? Let's see......

As things began to get still and quiet in the house, I am left alone with myself.

My husband asks me a lot, "What do you want to do? What do you like? What makes you happy?"

I don't know. He gets very frustrated with my answer because he does everything with every fiber of his being. He loves me and the kids. He works hard to provide for and protect our family. He even plays hard. He only knows one way to do things and that is to the best of your ablility all the time. Do it right the first time so you can take pride in your accoumplishments. However, in his line of thinking there is no room for getting caught up in your own head. He is all about "get up and do something about it."

I listen to some other sources of inspration and found myself lost again. One school of thought is you control how you feel not the other way around. So if you are depressed then you just need to tell yourself that you are thankful for this day. That you will not be depressed today. The speaker I listen to is very firm in this area because she has lived through it. Her story is much like other sucess stories you may find in the world. Very bad things happened in her life, it took her a long time to unlearn many things and in the end she is better because the Lord helped her through.

I look at this sucess story and get more lost, how does that happen? If I do not know what makes me happy then how can the loved ones in my life make me happy?

Have you every recived flowers? I have. I remember feeling very special because it is not something that happens to me very often. My parents would get me other things because I can't smell and we did not have that kind of money laying around, I guess. So I would tell the people in my life that it was a waste of money and now I don't get flowers. Just one example of how I hurt my self.

I got it! When I was young, 4th or 5th grade, I wrote a paper about what I thought my life would be like when I was "old" around 30. I can tell you now exactly what that looked like in my head because it was so profound to me. I would be a Vet. and when I was not taking care of others animals I would be on my ranch in the mountians. I would have barns with concrete floors, sand and shaving stalls. State of the art water to the stalls and wash rack. I would have all the tack and feed and meds to take care of the the horses. I would train and board for others. I would proudly watch my 3 children (2 boys and a girl)  in the show ring and rodeo arena. In the evenings I would sit on the couch by the fire reading while my husband clicked throught TV channels looking for the football game.

When I hit the bar scene I told interested men all I wanted was to take care of my husband, my kids, and my home. I would brag about being able to bait my own fishing hook, and other things that would get me the attention I wanted. I still can bait my own hook I just don't like the heat of summer in Oklahoma or the skeeters.

The funny thing is I can recall these things and remember the feeling, the hope, and overwhelming desire. But should you ask me right now, I can not tell you anything with passion. I believe that I trained myself to put kids, husband, and home first so I struggle with knowing what I want. It even gets so bad that when my back is out or I am struggling with my house looking like a war zone, I get so numb I don't feel anything.

I guess this question is a lot harder to answer, than it first appeared. Maybe I will figure out the things that make me happy and my struggles will become smaller. Here's to hoping. I want to Live My Life not just be in it.

Who am I?

When you close your eyes and look into your heart, soul, mind, your being who do you see?

I have been listening today and this is what struck me. Who am I?

I am really afraid because I do not know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I dream about. I don't know my favorite color. I look into me and see gray indecision. I see fear. Uncertainty. I look around this place that is me and I can not find one thing that stands out and says "this is what I am about."

What does this mean? How do I find myself?

I want to live my life not just be in it, I think?

Circles? Really?!

I had a good night sleep last night and I believe there are a couple of reasons for that. One would be, this process that is letting my struggles out into the light. I was speaking to a very dear friend last night and she told me that opening up and putting it down, may be the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. She told me that keeping these things in my head, in the dark, they get big and scary really fast. Once I start grabbing thoughts, dragging them out, shaking the dust off, and putting the pieces together I can see them better. I am making them a whole thought (by putting them down out here in space), so I can then start to see the edges and outlines. I can see them and sort them when they are not all jumbled up in my head. Then slowly this one thought is not as big as it first appeared in the dark. It becomes something to work on, chisel away at, and maybe with the right attitude even control one day. Well, she said some amazing thing like that.
Another reason for some good sleep might be that I have many loved ones in my life who care about me. I am able to step outside of myself today and see that they worry about me all the time. I know that they believe very strongly that by the power of prayer and positive language I will not stay lost. I know that even though I am struggling their convection can give me strength when I can hold on to it. I have a Dad that tells me all the time, "#1. Don't sweat the small stuff & #2. It's all small stuff."

That gets me to my title today. That could be the definition of depression in my world. I get so lost in the stuff.
 It kinda looks like this:  I get up late yesterday. (pebble) I have no energy because I am tired, because I stayed up late the night before. I stayed up late because I am stuck in my head and can't sleep. (circle #1) I don't do much of anything and survive until nap time. (small accomplishment) We take a nap. We wake up. The little man is cranky because I don't know why. (more pebbles) The teenager has been working on me for over a week and will be riding the bus home today even though it only benefits her. So we load up and drive the 6 miles to the bus stop instead of the 10 miles to school 45 minuets later in the day to pick her up. (frustration at circle #2) Little man won't stay in his car seat. (fight) Then we holler and bounce all over the cab of the truck while we wait for the bus. (getting claustrophobic) Teenager opens the door and climbs in and before the door shuts she is working on me about the next thing she just has to have. (arrggg) Buckle Little man back in his seat because we have to go to town. (brace for the fight, and people) Teenager shifts focus to something that cost money almost at once and has a following immediately. (tag team, great) At this point I am running on E. There is nothing in the tank and no reserve. I will not make it through this day with out wounding or being wounded, most likely both. The landslide has started and it appears at this point it may remain minor. Take care of business in town and are headed to pick up Middle man and the whole side of the mountain comes down. Honey says, "we can do that right, it is not a big deal?" Totally defeated I answer in my small voice, " yes, if that is what we need to do." But I remember saying that there were very specific circumstances that needed to be meet to make that work and that is not even close to what I told you I needed. (when is what I say important?) We are in a free fall. He takes note of the small voice and asks that I explain. I do but the damage is done. We change the plans but I still feel completely worthless, and unheard. (small thing fixed by speaking up, still circling the drain) Now I have all the kids and I'm neck deep before we make it home. I am hurt, I lash out because no one is hearing me and hurt others, the guilt of it all starts to crush and there are still two hours to bed time.

How can I know something as simple as #2 it is all small stuff, and be buried alive by the same small stuff? How can I see the house does not clean it's self, and be completely leveled when I try to clean it up? How do I get so claustrophobic that I have panic attacks that require medication, but I am a pack rat that must have my stuff around me? None of it makes sense. Nothing about where I live in my head is logical. Once the circles start spinning and I feel locked in, there is nothing that can keep me from crashing. We live through this on a daily basis at my house. Of course some days are better than others but the opposite is true as well. When it is a bad day it can get worse.

I gave my husband a circle to represent my Love. It has no beginning and no end, it is unbreakable. How can something so special and big and honest and beautiful also be malicious? I flinch as the circles start flying in from the abyss. As they slide over my head and to my waist, I start the constant motion to keep them moving because if they all stop at the same time I don't get out of bed for days. So I stand here quietly concentrating on keeping them going and everyone wants to know why I am tired? If I get distracted for even one second it all comes crashing down. The really bad days are when no matter what I do they crash down anyway.

I would like to see my struggles turn from circles to a tug-of-war rope. That way as I get past a struggle it will be behind me and be something I can lean on when I need to dig in for the really tough challenges. I could keep moving down the rope, moving forward. I would learn what I need to from a struggle then it becomes part of the base I can brace against as I keep moving. Instead of these circles that never begin because they never end. Even when they fall down around me I have to pick them all up and get them moving again to move forward. I very rarely am able to leave one behind. Even more rarely am I able to break one. They just pile up and are always heavy because I have to carry them all instead of being able to coil them nicely behind me.

I want to Live My Life not just be in it.

Good days

It is funny. I started writing and just wanted to put some random struggles out into the world. As I look over what I have written so far I find myself wanting to know more about the author. Do you have good days and what do they look like, I want to ask. Oh, I realize, I do have good days, sometimes just moments. Sometimes, my best moments of the day are when I see I made it through without hurting anyone seriously through action or the lack thereof.

I got to spend the day with all three of my kids, away from the house, doing something fun this past Sunday. I stood in the lines to get the things that we needed. I took the small one to the bathroom while leaving the older two behind. I watched as the middle child went to the bathroom on his own and came back. I had a good day and the kids had fun. Alone these things may not seem like a big deal, but to me and my family they are. I have not done anything like that without my husband almost ever.

I am not comfortable with large crowds. I get claustrophobic and panic. I can when I have too, but the quicker I can get out of that situation the better for everyone. The really weird thing is I would rather be a face in the crowd than be close enough that someone might see my hurts. I prefer the larger church (yes I church when I can) where I am just a face. Sure there is light conversation with the teachers in the kids rooms but it is much to busy for more than a "Hi, good to see you again." At the small church I am afraid that people will want to get to know me and there will be more people in my to worry about letting down or hurting. So I run in, drop the kids off, (oh, get this) sit in the front, and run out when it's over. So taking the kids to any event without my social husband to hide behind is hard for me.

I watch him in awe. He shines most of the time. His light has it's own magnetic pull. I am amazed everyday that this man is with me, even the good ones. He can talk to anyone and everyone. He can laugh until he is gasping for air at the drop of a hat. Well, the drop of a thought would be more accurate. The best part is he does! He laughs, I mean really laughs at things because he can see the humor. I think that is so cool. I wish I could see the movie screen in his head all the time. Our family knows, if he starts, you just have to wait until he can breath again to find out what struck him as funny because there is no telling.

I watch my kids play together and I feel warm. I look outside in awe of what God can do. I see colors. I would talk about the smells of things I love but I can't smell.

I always think in those moments why can't this be enough for me? My dad used to tell me, "someday you are going to have to be happy with what you have," but I am still looking over the fence wondering. Not what is over there because I know. I am in a good place. I have smart (maybe too smart) and healthy kids, a wonderful man to walk through life with, I even have some good stories about how I got to where I am. Those are the things that matter but now when I look of the fence and wonder I wonder about how they do it. Yes, Dad, I hear you. We are all ducks. Calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath. Then I wonder, what makes it so hard for me to keep paddling?

Well I feel good about this entry. I will go to bed tonight not as angry or hurt and maybe a little less lost. I like being able to look at this and see all the positive in there. Maybe someday soon I can look up to find I am living my life and not just in it.

Hope, nice warm hope.

Why Wont You Listen?

I speak english.
I even speak clearly most of the time.

I tell others that I want things, that I need things, even what I expect from them. I answer the questions that are asked of me. Why does no one hear or understand me? As we go through the year I hear my loved ones speak of things they wish to see or have. I make a note and when it is possible I can get those things for them. I worry about the things I want to to for others. I often put myself last to put others first. I try not to look around and say, "Which of you are doing that for me because I am having a hard time seeing it?" I know my perception is off, I know that you may be advertising in neon and I just don't see, and I ask those questions because I want to speak your language. See, I understand we all speak different love langages. Which simply means we all think different things are important in different ways depending on how we were taught. I want to know what the things are that you do that you feel I just brush aside. I feel brushed aside all the time, by everyone.

Example: (just one from today alone)
Mother:  Please pick up the livingroom, take out the cat litter, wash your hands, eat dinner, shower, then load the dishwasher.

Son:  Guess what I did at school today........

Mother:  That is very nice, cool (or whatever applies) Now could you get started for me?

The 8 year old promptly turns to his 3 year old brother and says come on as they take off through the house. After waiting 20 mins, to give the brothers time to play, Mom reminds Son that he has chores he is expected to do. So he picks up a sock and zeros in on the TV. 

Now up to this point I am Ok as long as the mess in the house has not sent me into a closterphobic panic attack. From here on out however, it gets insane quick. I am screaming at my 8 year old son and a 15 min job morphs into a 2 1/2 hours marathon. How long can I not do what she has asked of me before she quits pestering me? I know that is what he is thinking because it is a crap shoot as to what kind of day I am having.  More than once he gets away with just not doing because I just don't have the energy to fight.

I am sitting here thinking, hurting, begging for help with no one to ask because of this. I started the entry for today about the Good Days. But here I am again, just struggling!

When my daughter was around two, I explained to my husband that you must pick your battles. You have to know what fights are worth having. The problem I have now is that everything is a battle. I have to prove to everyone all the time that I am willing to stand my ground and stand up for myself. I must prove to the 3 year old that I mean it when I say nap time. I have to prove to the 8 year old that I really want him to do what I ask. I have to prove to the 13 year old that I am watching and she can't just run over everyone. I have to prove to the 36 year old that I have a brain.

Only I do not have the strength to fight all those battles everyday, all day long. The longer I am stuck in this place the harder it is to battle. I still remember the time when I could handle my children all the way to bed time. Why am I not important enough for you to listen too. Any of you, all of you, sometimes I NEED you to listen to me because I can not fight today. I don't want to have to prove myself. I don't want to have to explain everything. I don't want to defend myself against you because you don't understand why I can not defend myself and it really does not matter how common sence you think it is.

I speak english and I know that the rest of you do as well because I taught most of you.

I wonder

As I look around the world I wonder.....

How can so much happen to any one person? Everyone in the world struggles with some things, right? Others have real struggles, will my kids eat today, will they find my sister before it is too late, will my solider come home? Others have real trials. Small children watch horrific tragities and grow up to be police men. Men watch brothers die beside them fighting for people they love and people they have never met. Why can they pick themselves up by the boot straps and keep walking? What makes my life so hard that I can not be happy?

Where is God? Do I believe in God? Who does He help? Do I believe that Jesus died for me? Do I believe that I can make God happy? How can someone who loves me so much have so many expectations of me that I fall short of, all the time? Why are the rules so hard to live by? Why are the hoops held so high? Why do You whisper when my own voices are too loud to quiet without medication? Have I failed every morning when I wake up because I took an anti-depressant before bed? How do I put you first in everything when I don't even know where to turn to find the next breath of air? As I sink in my depression, that makes no sense, am I failing again because I can not hold on to You?

Why have you put this wonderful man in my life who does not comprehend depression? Am I his test? And what if he fails Your test, am I to be left totally alone? Why must my kids, parents, siblings, and friends be put through the test of me? Do You not love them? Is this my purpose? How can this help give you the glory? If I am to be a light, why is it so dark here?

What if I can't buy food for the kids because of the bad choices made before I knew why tithing was the thing to do? Do I still give you that money? What if I choose to buy the food instead of God first? What if I cash the paycheck but am so behind at the bank they would keep it if I cashed it there, and I do pay You first? Am I then giving you someone eles' money because I already spent Yours? What about those people who do it right and still struggle everyday? How do those people keep the faith?
I want some of that!
I want to believe without question that someone is there for me no matter what. I want to know that no matter how bad I mess up there are open arms waiting for me. I want to be important to anyone, someone, at the very least the people I love. I let them down and I can not be there when they need me. Why would they be there for me? Why does it hurt so bad when I look up and see everyone has moved on while I was looking down?

Not God because I don't see him hurt for me or because of me. But I do see many others hurt because of my inability to be consistent, involved, or an active particapant in life. I watch people hurt because of me everyday. Some of the hurt is only in my head, but more of it is the people who love me back wanting to help me. Wanting to just grab hold of me and pull me out of the dark. I can't even raise my hand to theirs. Oops, don't look now, because I have found the strength to reach today. Everyone is tried of trying and has gone to take a break. They have lives they have to live too, laundry, dishes, dirty floors, kids that need raising. They will try again tomorrow. Maybe after lunch. Maybe they are just frustrated with me because other people live everyday with everyday problems. Why can't I live? Why is this choice so hard for me?

I want more than anything to Live My Life not just be in it!

My giant step into the world

I have had journals all my life, however I do get into trouble for what I write, when others find and read them. I just thought that I could write for awhile to whoever and everyone. Maybe others think things like I do and are just struggling.

I will write to the abyss that causes my questions and if you are around to read or comment then cool and if not I will remain in my own world with my own thoughts just wondering if there are others out there. I tend to be the lonely one in the middle of the crowd of friends and strangers anyway.

As a mother of three I never thought I would have to beg for advice. To be honest, I kinda thought that the world and I would just line up. The kids would know and understand what I wanted them to do and do it.  Guess what! It does not work that way. Kids want and need direction and boundaries. The problem with insecurities, lack of self-esteem, no confidence, and other symptoms of depression is I often feel defeated before I start. So when the kids ask why my resolve shatters. When they stand defiantly before me and demand I hold my ground, I see another failure about to happen. How am I ever going to teach my kids to be functioning adults when all they see is Me?

How do others do it? Make the choice everyday to Live? What is wrong with me? "They" say talk to someone. Ok. I am an intelligent adult female. I get up, shower, get dressed, put on some light make-up and go speak with someone. I talk about how irrational it is to think this way and I have and use all the tools they would give me. More often than not they are not really sure why I am there. I have not found the help I need for the days I don't shower, the make-up is not worth it, the clothes are just something to cover my own disgust so why change them. Where is that help? Is it too late for my kids? Is this a chemical imbalance? Or culture? Did I learn this or did I get it when I was made? How do I fight it? How do I silence myself long enough to find an answer?

I struggle everyday. I may not always move forward and I may be still for very long spells, but I have not ever looked for a way to end this life I have. Mostly (and I don't know that I have EVER said this) I don't want to hurt the ones I love that way. I don't want anyone to have to "find" me. There are many times I wish to simply just be erased so I can not hurt the ones I love anymore. I struggle everyday. I am still here. I want more than anything in the world to Live My Life not just be in it.