Why Wont You Listen?

I speak english.
I even speak clearly most of the time.

I tell others that I want things, that I need things, even what I expect from them. I answer the questions that are asked of me. Why does no one hear or understand me? As we go through the year I hear my loved ones speak of things they wish to see or have. I make a note and when it is possible I can get those things for them. I worry about the things I want to to for others. I often put myself last to put others first. I try not to look around and say, "Which of you are doing that for me because I am having a hard time seeing it?" I know my perception is off, I know that you may be advertising in neon and I just don't see, and I ask those questions because I want to speak your language. See, I understand we all speak different love langages. Which simply means we all think different things are important in different ways depending on how we were taught. I want to know what the things are that you do that you feel I just brush aside. I feel brushed aside all the time, by everyone.

Example: (just one from today alone)
Mother:  Please pick up the livingroom, take out the cat litter, wash your hands, eat dinner, shower, then load the dishwasher.

Son:  Guess what I did at school today........

Mother:  That is very nice, cool (or whatever applies) Now could you get started for me?

The 8 year old promptly turns to his 3 year old brother and says come on as they take off through the house. After waiting 20 mins, to give the brothers time to play, Mom reminds Son that he has chores he is expected to do. So he picks up a sock and zeros in on the TV. 

Now up to this point I am Ok as long as the mess in the house has not sent me into a closterphobic panic attack. From here on out however, it gets insane quick. I am screaming at my 8 year old son and a 15 min job morphs into a 2 1/2 hours marathon. How long can I not do what she has asked of me before she quits pestering me? I know that is what he is thinking because it is a crap shoot as to what kind of day I am having.  More than once he gets away with just not doing because I just don't have the energy to fight.

I am sitting here thinking, hurting, begging for help with no one to ask because of this. I started the entry for today about the Good Days. But here I am again, just struggling!

When my daughter was around two, I explained to my husband that you must pick your battles. You have to know what fights are worth having. The problem I have now is that everything is a battle. I have to prove to everyone all the time that I am willing to stand my ground and stand up for myself. I must prove to the 3 year old that I mean it when I say nap time. I have to prove to the 8 year old that I really want him to do what I ask. I have to prove to the 13 year old that I am watching and she can't just run over everyone. I have to prove to the 36 year old that I have a brain.

Only I do not have the strength to fight all those battles everyday, all day long. The longer I am stuck in this place the harder it is to battle. I still remember the time when I could handle my children all the way to bed time. Why am I not important enough for you to listen too. Any of you, all of you, sometimes I NEED you to listen to me because I can not fight today. I don't want to have to prove myself. I don't want to have to explain everything. I don't want to defend myself against you because you don't understand why I can not defend myself and it really does not matter how common sence you think it is.

I speak english and I know that the rest of you do as well because I taught most of you.

My giant step into the world

I have had journals all my life, however I do get into trouble for what I write, when others find and read them. I just thought that I could write for awhile to whoever and everyone. Maybe others think things like I do and are just struggling.

I will write to the abyss that causes my questions and if you are around to read or comment then cool and if not I will remain in my own world with my own thoughts just wondering if there are others out there. I tend to be the lonely one in the middle of the crowd of friends and strangers anyway.

As a mother of three I never thought I would have to beg for advice. To be honest, I kinda thought that the world and I would just line up. The kids would know and understand what I wanted them to do and do it.  Guess what! It does not work that way. Kids want and need direction and boundaries. The problem with insecurities, lack of self-esteem, no confidence, and other symptoms of depression is I often feel defeated before I start. So when the kids ask why my resolve shatters. When they stand defiantly before me and demand I hold my ground, I see another failure about to happen. How am I ever going to teach my kids to be functioning adults when all they see is Me?

How do others do it? Make the choice everyday to Live? What is wrong with me? "They" say talk to someone. Ok. I am an intelligent adult female. I get up, shower, get dressed, put on some light make-up and go speak with someone. I talk about how irrational it is to think this way and I have and use all the tools they would give me. More often than not they are not really sure why I am there. I have not found the help I need for the days I don't shower, the make-up is not worth it, the clothes are just something to cover my own disgust so why change them. Where is that help? Is it too late for my kids? Is this a chemical imbalance? Or culture? Did I learn this or did I get it when I was made? How do I fight it? How do I silence myself long enough to find an answer?

I struggle everyday. I may not always move forward and I may be still for very long spells, but I have not ever looked for a way to end this life I have. Mostly (and I don't know that I have EVER said this) I don't want to hurt the ones I love that way. I don't want anyone to have to "find" me. There are many times I wish to simply just be erased so I can not hurt the ones I love anymore. I struggle everyday. I am still here. I want more than anything in the world to Live My Life not just be in it.