Lost

As the darkness seeps in, I see the color draining from the world. I see the darkness as a smoke slowly filling the room that is my life. I see the relationships that will suffer.

I am afraid of loosing to the darkness again. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid for my family. I know more than anyone that I am not easy to live with when I get lost in this place. I WILL be making calls tomorrow and looking for some real help this time. I need doctors that are closer and more available.

My key indicators are this:  My pain is increasing, I my need for my husband is compounding by the minuet, my tolerance with the kids is going down and instead of parenting I want to recoil. I am pulling away again.

I am in free fall. I don't scream because there is no noise here. Even in the waves of dark, loneliness, guilt, lack of emotion, self destruction I know that no one would hear me. I want to jump up and down, shine my survival  mirror in the sky for searchers to see, start a large wet fire with lots of smoke that can be seen for miles, I so do not want to be lost. Only like hypothermia, all my scenes are dull, my movements are sluggish, my words are slurred to the point that the people standing around me do not see the bad things about to happen. I will be accused of "quiting" or "even if there was a pill that could cure you tomorrow I'm not sure you would take it because you hold on so tightly to this".  I will be accused some day of neglect. Of being a bad mother for not being able to cope.

I AM NOT THINKING OF HURTING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. I just know that even though I will be here physically no one will be able to count on me. I will not be the person I need to be for those around me. I want the people I love to have the strong woman they need in their life, instead of me.

I walked away from more than one abuser. I stand up for others with my life. I have known passion. I have known happiness. I have made my own hell. I have fought for what I wanted. I have been an active parent. Where is that woman. What has happened to me.

There was a time very recently I thought my husband was done with me. Now even worse, I found myself wishing for strong arms to turn to since my husband is not here. I wish for someone who could make the hurt go away. I never wanted my husband to be off living his life and me be here living a separate one. I want someone here to live with, to raise kids with, to talk to, even worse I want someone close to me who can just hold me when all I can do is shake and cry. Someone to be the parent when I can't. I want to be able to take turns sleeping in and cooking on the weekend. I don't want to be in the country anymore. I want to be close to the park, pizza, friends, and stores. Not for me but for the kids. I want a yard I can mow and I want the trash men to come and take my trash away. I don't think I would be "better" I just think the people around me could cope better if they had things they could go do. Hang out with friends at Sonic, or ride their bikes in the street. Play with the neighborhood kids.

We lost a father, we lost a mother, we lost friends, we lost horses, we lost dogs, we are now losing the cat. There is so much loss. Spinning, falling, tumbling out of control and there is nothing to hold on to. Everything is lost along the way.  I don't to lose any more. I have no control. I can't even pretend or maintain the illusion of control over anything in my world.

Maybe the day light will bring the help I need. I know the sun is supposed to shine and the weather is getting warmer. I hope to find the help I need while I still can. I hope I can move fast enough that I do not become completely lost in the darkness forever.

Some of My Triggers

I struggle on the daily level. Last night I had a melt down. I sat down with all the little ones sick, motivated to work on projects that require my attention. I had not even planned to watch the major sporting event for the evening, but Little Man asked for it so we turned it on. As soon as we turned on the TV the volume went straight to stress. The Little sick one started whining at once for a dinner that was not on the menu. The Oldest Boy was not listening therefore we had to encourage better behavior. In the middle of all that Honey took a call since he is a loud person the conversation was loud. 

"I am here for you" 

It took all of about 15 minuets of all this going on for me to lose it. I was yelling and upset with no stopping me. I started second dinner and Honey came in and after a heated debate took over with me retreating to my bed. I have figured out that the noise level can be a trigger for me just like the mess. Also, when I finally find some motivation, it does not take much of anything to totally derail that attempt. You add a week of sick kids locked in the house by bad weather with Honey leaving for the week with more bad weather on the way and you have a perfect storm for panic attack with a lot of anger. 

"I am here for you" 

Those words ring in my ears often these days. It has been over a month since they were spoken yet they are still breaking my heart. "If you are here for me then why are you leaving me?" I know that the bills have to be paid and I know that Honey must be the provider for our family. It is built into who he is and I could not do it. However, with my new resolve to be the Mother I should be I am struggling with being here alone. Without Honey everything seems harder. On the flip side Honey has no more patience for my "condition" and he is increasingly agitated. So even when he is here things are still hard. I don't like the avalanche affect that happens between the noise, desire, obligation, and guilt because I am hurting my family. 

"I am here for you" and now it is time for me to go "be here" for my children.

Today I will try living my life not just being in it.

Just Breathe

I have been having a bad week. I have had 2 sick kiddos. We are all locked in the house until yesterday when the 4x4 came home. The winter weather has had my 1/2 ton, bald tired pick up stuck at the house for four days. For some reason being alone with the kids for that long makes it very hard on me because the mess multiples insanely. The Teen managed to clean up the house while the boys were sick and Honey and I went to get the other car so she could have a friend over.

I got to have a long time with Honey on the 90min drive there and back. He wanted me to know that he loves me very much and I am the center of his and the kids' world. The thing that took my off guard was the simple statement, "Being a Mom is the hardest job in the world. You won't get the appreciation or respect you absolutely deserve. Did you appreciate your mom? Did you tell her thank you every time she did things for you? I know I did not appreciate my mom and tell her thank you nearly as often as I should have."

Ok, I know that I did not appreciate my parents. I also know that as a child I did not see all the things they did for me or my brothers. A lot of what parents do for the family is never seen by anyone. All the long talks that go into how to punish, or how to make life better for the kids. I know that I have been involved in many sacrifices on behalf of the kids that they never see. I do them because I love my family but if they don't see the process that leads to what ever, then how can I get my feelings hurt when I ask for help and they don't respond. If I go without something so the kids can go to the football game on Friday then I can't expect total cooperation on Saturday when I ask for help with the dishes. To my children the two things are completely separate.

So the question becomes, "Can I be the completely unappreciated Mother I need to be to raise healthy, happy, productive children?"

This thought provoking conversation has brought on very hard questions. How do I manage my personal issues and still be a mother? Can I be totally invisible and be the bad guy. Make the kids learn the lessons they need to learn but they would rather die than learn "that?" Can I be that person? Can I find my joy in doing the right thing without recognition? Why do I need the recognition? Why do I look to my children for validation of my life?

I guess I need to come up with a plan that involves me doing what I have to do No Matter What. I need to take mommy time outs and I can fall apart when I am alone after bedtime. I need to relearn how to live in my life. I need to learn how to be here and not make everyone around me miserable. Figuring out a plan has got to be priority. Changing our lives will have to start with me. I will keep you updated as to how that goes. Because I am not really sure how this will play out.

What if.....

What if I trusted myself....? What if we had the money to pay the bills....? What if I had my husband around to help me....? What if I had everything my heart desires....? What if I lived where I want to live....? What if I trusted God....? What if I had a plan to get out of debt....? What if I cared about my debt...? What if I went to work....? What if I don't go to work...? What if ...?

I had to go to the school and pick up the Oldest Boy on Monday. Since 4:15 Monday afternoon I have been alone with the kids. I believe that the kids are taking turns getting sick. The Oldest Boy had fever since Monday night. The Little Man has picked up the cough. There is a chance the bigger kids can go back to school on Friday. How funny is that? Tuesday through Thursday out for bad weather. It has been so cold here the kids don't even want to play outside. Well they want too, but every time they try they get too cold after about 5-6 minuets.

Honey changed jobs and started last Friday. He left last Sunday. He delivered Monday, picked up on Tuesday, and delivered that load today. We don't really know what this job will do for our family but my Honey is thinking that it is better. I am defeated. I am overwhelmed. I sit here paralyzed tonight. I am facing another day with all the kids home by myself tomorrow and I got the 3rd five min phone call today and was included in the beginning of a conversation that was if the band was not gigging this weekend due to weather, then he would just stay out on the road to get us a good check on the first payday.

Every time he has called today we were cut off by someone who needed his attention more than I did. Something about work most times. Tonight he will be staying the night 45 min away from home because he would have to get up too early to get there on time in the morning. Tonight he will go to sleep before I do and will sleep longer that I will. The kids have an internal alarm that goes off at 6am everyday but school days.

As I sat in my living room with my head in my hands trying to focused on breathing and not giving in to the panic attack, I decided to write this blog. I can honestly say that I will be getting up to take medication in just a few minuets. The Teen is watching the Little Man and the Oldest Boy is dosed with fever medicine. I can now take meds and only have to worry about the awake kids a little. I am just breathing now... in..2..3..out..2..3. Honey just posted on facebook. I have not talked to him for more than 15 minuets all day.

I see the other people in my world that are struggling with things like pain, finance, emotion, relationships, and many other things. What if I don't survive....? What if I don't have enough ____to get through the wilderness...?
This is an idea of what the bad days look like.

Just an idea.
(I really have to go focus now before I lose it completely.)

Good days

It is funny. I started writing and just wanted to put some random struggles out into the world. As I look over what I have written so far I find myself wanting to know more about the author. Do you have good days and what do they look like, I want to ask. Oh, I realize, I do have good days, sometimes just moments. Sometimes, my best moments of the day are when I see I made it through without hurting anyone seriously through action or the lack thereof.

I got to spend the day with all three of my kids, away from the house, doing something fun this past Sunday. I stood in the lines to get the things that we needed. I took the small one to the bathroom while leaving the older two behind. I watched as the middle child went to the bathroom on his own and came back. I had a good day and the kids had fun. Alone these things may not seem like a big deal, but to me and my family they are. I have not done anything like that without my husband almost ever.

I am not comfortable with large crowds. I get claustrophobic and panic. I can when I have too, but the quicker I can get out of that situation the better for everyone. The really weird thing is I would rather be a face in the crowd than be close enough that someone might see my hurts. I prefer the larger church (yes I church when I can) where I am just a face. Sure there is light conversation with the teachers in the kids rooms but it is much to busy for more than a "Hi, good to see you again." At the small church I am afraid that people will want to get to know me and there will be more people in my to worry about letting down or hurting. So I run in, drop the kids off, (oh, get this) sit in the front, and run out when it's over. So taking the kids to any event without my social husband to hide behind is hard for me.

I watch him in awe. He shines most of the time. His light has it's own magnetic pull. I am amazed everyday that this man is with me, even the good ones. He can talk to anyone and everyone. He can laugh until he is gasping for air at the drop of a hat. Well, the drop of a thought would be more accurate. The best part is he does! He laughs, I mean really laughs at things because he can see the humor. I think that is so cool. I wish I could see the movie screen in his head all the time. Our family knows, if he starts, you just have to wait until he can breath again to find out what struck him as funny because there is no telling.

I watch my kids play together and I feel warm. I look outside in awe of what God can do. I see colors. I would talk about the smells of things I love but I can't smell.

I always think in those moments why can't this be enough for me? My dad used to tell me, "someday you are going to have to be happy with what you have," but I am still looking over the fence wondering. Not what is over there because I know. I am in a good place. I have smart (maybe too smart) and healthy kids, a wonderful man to walk through life with, I even have some good stories about how I got to where I am. Those are the things that matter but now when I look of the fence and wonder I wonder about how they do it. Yes, Dad, I hear you. We are all ducks. Calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath. Then I wonder, what makes it so hard for me to keep paddling?

Well I feel good about this entry. I will go to bed tonight not as angry or hurt and maybe a little less lost. I like being able to look at this and see all the positive in there. Maybe someday soon I can look up to find I am living my life and not just in it.

Hope, nice warm hope.

Why Wont You Listen?

I speak english.
I even speak clearly most of the time.

I tell others that I want things, that I need things, even what I expect from them. I answer the questions that are asked of me. Why does no one hear or understand me? As we go through the year I hear my loved ones speak of things they wish to see or have. I make a note and when it is possible I can get those things for them. I worry about the things I want to to for others. I often put myself last to put others first. I try not to look around and say, "Which of you are doing that for me because I am having a hard time seeing it?" I know my perception is off, I know that you may be advertising in neon and I just don't see, and I ask those questions because I want to speak your language. See, I understand we all speak different love langages. Which simply means we all think different things are important in different ways depending on how we were taught. I want to know what the things are that you do that you feel I just brush aside. I feel brushed aside all the time, by everyone.

Example: (just one from today alone)
Mother:  Please pick up the livingroom, take out the cat litter, wash your hands, eat dinner, shower, then load the dishwasher.

Son:  Guess what I did at school today........

Mother:  That is very nice, cool (or whatever applies) Now could you get started for me?

The 8 year old promptly turns to his 3 year old brother and says come on as they take off through the house. After waiting 20 mins, to give the brothers time to play, Mom reminds Son that he has chores he is expected to do. So he picks up a sock and zeros in on the TV. 

Now up to this point I am Ok as long as the mess in the house has not sent me into a closterphobic panic attack. From here on out however, it gets insane quick. I am screaming at my 8 year old son and a 15 min job morphs into a 2 1/2 hours marathon. How long can I not do what she has asked of me before she quits pestering me? I know that is what he is thinking because it is a crap shoot as to what kind of day I am having.  More than once he gets away with just not doing because I just don't have the energy to fight.

I am sitting here thinking, hurting, begging for help with no one to ask because of this. I started the entry for today about the Good Days. But here I am again, just struggling!

When my daughter was around two, I explained to my husband that you must pick your battles. You have to know what fights are worth having. The problem I have now is that everything is a battle. I have to prove to everyone all the time that I am willing to stand my ground and stand up for myself. I must prove to the 3 year old that I mean it when I say nap time. I have to prove to the 8 year old that I really want him to do what I ask. I have to prove to the 13 year old that I am watching and she can't just run over everyone. I have to prove to the 36 year old that I have a brain.

Only I do not have the strength to fight all those battles everyday, all day long. The longer I am stuck in this place the harder it is to battle. I still remember the time when I could handle my children all the way to bed time. Why am I not important enough for you to listen too. Any of you, all of you, sometimes I NEED you to listen to me because I can not fight today. I don't want to have to prove myself. I don't want to have to explain everything. I don't want to defend myself against you because you don't understand why I can not defend myself and it really does not matter how common sence you think it is.

I speak english and I know that the rest of you do as well because I taught most of you.

I wonder

As I look around the world I wonder.....

How can so much happen to any one person? Everyone in the world struggles with some things, right? Others have real struggles, will my kids eat today, will they find my sister before it is too late, will my solider come home? Others have real trials. Small children watch horrific tragities and grow up to be police men. Men watch brothers die beside them fighting for people they love and people they have never met. Why can they pick themselves up by the boot straps and keep walking? What makes my life so hard that I can not be happy?

Where is God? Do I believe in God? Who does He help? Do I believe that Jesus died for me? Do I believe that I can make God happy? How can someone who loves me so much have so many expectations of me that I fall short of, all the time? Why are the rules so hard to live by? Why are the hoops held so high? Why do You whisper when my own voices are too loud to quiet without medication? Have I failed every morning when I wake up because I took an anti-depressant before bed? How do I put you first in everything when I don't even know where to turn to find the next breath of air? As I sink in my depression, that makes no sense, am I failing again because I can not hold on to You?

Why have you put this wonderful man in my life who does not comprehend depression? Am I his test? And what if he fails Your test, am I to be left totally alone? Why must my kids, parents, siblings, and friends be put through the test of me? Do You not love them? Is this my purpose? How can this help give you the glory? If I am to be a light, why is it so dark here?

What if I can't buy food for the kids because of the bad choices made before I knew why tithing was the thing to do? Do I still give you that money? What if I choose to buy the food instead of God first? What if I cash the paycheck but am so behind at the bank they would keep it if I cashed it there, and I do pay You first? Am I then giving you someone eles' money because I already spent Yours? What about those people who do it right and still struggle everyday? How do those people keep the faith?
I want some of that!
I want to believe without question that someone is there for me no matter what. I want to know that no matter how bad I mess up there are open arms waiting for me. I want to be important to anyone, someone, at the very least the people I love. I let them down and I can not be there when they need me. Why would they be there for me? Why does it hurt so bad when I look up and see everyone has moved on while I was looking down?

Not God because I don't see him hurt for me or because of me. But I do see many others hurt because of my inability to be consistent, involved, or an active particapant in life. I watch people hurt because of me everyday. Some of the hurt is only in my head, but more of it is the people who love me back wanting to help me. Wanting to just grab hold of me and pull me out of the dark. I can't even raise my hand to theirs. Oops, don't look now, because I have found the strength to reach today. Everyone is tried of trying and has gone to take a break. They have lives they have to live too, laundry, dishes, dirty floors, kids that need raising. They will try again tomorrow. Maybe after lunch. Maybe they are just frustrated with me because other people live everyday with everyday problems. Why can't I live? Why is this choice so hard for me?

I want more than anything to Live My Life not just be in it!