Lost

As the darkness seeps in, I see the color draining from the world. I see the darkness as a smoke slowly filling the room that is my life. I see the relationships that will suffer.

I am afraid of loosing to the darkness again. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid for my family. I know more than anyone that I am not easy to live with when I get lost in this place. I WILL be making calls tomorrow and looking for some real help this time. I need doctors that are closer and more available.

My key indicators are this:  My pain is increasing, I my need for my husband is compounding by the minuet, my tolerance with the kids is going down and instead of parenting I want to recoil. I am pulling away again.

I am in free fall. I don't scream because there is no noise here. Even in the waves of dark, loneliness, guilt, lack of emotion, self destruction I know that no one would hear me. I want to jump up and down, shine my survival  mirror in the sky for searchers to see, start a large wet fire with lots of smoke that can be seen for miles, I so do not want to be lost. Only like hypothermia, all my scenes are dull, my movements are sluggish, my words are slurred to the point that the people standing around me do not see the bad things about to happen. I will be accused of "quiting" or "even if there was a pill that could cure you tomorrow I'm not sure you would take it because you hold on so tightly to this".  I will be accused some day of neglect. Of being a bad mother for not being able to cope.

I AM NOT THINKING OF HURTING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. I just know that even though I will be here physically no one will be able to count on me. I will not be the person I need to be for those around me. I want the people I love to have the strong woman they need in their life, instead of me.

I walked away from more than one abuser. I stand up for others with my life. I have known passion. I have known happiness. I have made my own hell. I have fought for what I wanted. I have been an active parent. Where is that woman. What has happened to me.

There was a time very recently I thought my husband was done with me. Now even worse, I found myself wishing for strong arms to turn to since my husband is not here. I wish for someone who could make the hurt go away. I never wanted my husband to be off living his life and me be here living a separate one. I want someone here to live with, to raise kids with, to talk to, even worse I want someone close to me who can just hold me when all I can do is shake and cry. Someone to be the parent when I can't. I want to be able to take turns sleeping in and cooking on the weekend. I don't want to be in the country anymore. I want to be close to the park, pizza, friends, and stores. Not for me but for the kids. I want a yard I can mow and I want the trash men to come and take my trash away. I don't think I would be "better" I just think the people around me could cope better if they had things they could go do. Hang out with friends at Sonic, or ride their bikes in the street. Play with the neighborhood kids.

We lost a father, we lost a mother, we lost friends, we lost horses, we lost dogs, we are now losing the cat. There is so much loss. Spinning, falling, tumbling out of control and there is nothing to hold on to. Everything is lost along the way.  I don't to lose any more. I have no control. I can't even pretend or maintain the illusion of control over anything in my world.

Maybe the day light will bring the help I need. I know the sun is supposed to shine and the weather is getting warmer. I hope to find the help I need while I still can. I hope I can move fast enough that I do not become completely lost in the darkness forever.

Some of My Triggers

I struggle on the daily level. Last night I had a melt down. I sat down with all the little ones sick, motivated to work on projects that require my attention. I had not even planned to watch the major sporting event for the evening, but Little Man asked for it so we turned it on. As soon as we turned on the TV the volume went straight to stress. The Little sick one started whining at once for a dinner that was not on the menu. The Oldest Boy was not listening therefore we had to encourage better behavior. In the middle of all that Honey took a call since he is a loud person the conversation was loud. 

"I am here for you" 

It took all of about 15 minuets of all this going on for me to lose it. I was yelling and upset with no stopping me. I started second dinner and Honey came in and after a heated debate took over with me retreating to my bed. I have figured out that the noise level can be a trigger for me just like the mess. Also, when I finally find some motivation, it does not take much of anything to totally derail that attempt. You add a week of sick kids locked in the house by bad weather with Honey leaving for the week with more bad weather on the way and you have a perfect storm for panic attack with a lot of anger. 

"I am here for you" 

Those words ring in my ears often these days. It has been over a month since they were spoken yet they are still breaking my heart. "If you are here for me then why are you leaving me?" I know that the bills have to be paid and I know that Honey must be the provider for our family. It is built into who he is and I could not do it. However, with my new resolve to be the Mother I should be I am struggling with being here alone. Without Honey everything seems harder. On the flip side Honey has no more patience for my "condition" and he is increasingly agitated. So even when he is here things are still hard. I don't like the avalanche affect that happens between the noise, desire, obligation, and guilt because I am hurting my family. 

"I am here for you" and now it is time for me to go "be here" for my children.

Today I will try living my life not just being in it.

Just Breathe

I have been having a bad week. I have had 2 sick kiddos. We are all locked in the house until yesterday when the 4x4 came home. The winter weather has had my 1/2 ton, bald tired pick up stuck at the house for four days. For some reason being alone with the kids for that long makes it very hard on me because the mess multiples insanely. The Teen managed to clean up the house while the boys were sick and Honey and I went to get the other car so she could have a friend over.

I got to have a long time with Honey on the 90min drive there and back. He wanted me to know that he loves me very much and I am the center of his and the kids' world. The thing that took my off guard was the simple statement, "Being a Mom is the hardest job in the world. You won't get the appreciation or respect you absolutely deserve. Did you appreciate your mom? Did you tell her thank you every time she did things for you? I know I did not appreciate my mom and tell her thank you nearly as often as I should have."

Ok, I know that I did not appreciate my parents. I also know that as a child I did not see all the things they did for me or my brothers. A lot of what parents do for the family is never seen by anyone. All the long talks that go into how to punish, or how to make life better for the kids. I know that I have been involved in many sacrifices on behalf of the kids that they never see. I do them because I love my family but if they don't see the process that leads to what ever, then how can I get my feelings hurt when I ask for help and they don't respond. If I go without something so the kids can go to the football game on Friday then I can't expect total cooperation on Saturday when I ask for help with the dishes. To my children the two things are completely separate.

So the question becomes, "Can I be the completely unappreciated Mother I need to be to raise healthy, happy, productive children?"

This thought provoking conversation has brought on very hard questions. How do I manage my personal issues and still be a mother? Can I be totally invisible and be the bad guy. Make the kids learn the lessons they need to learn but they would rather die than learn "that?" Can I be that person? Can I find my joy in doing the right thing without recognition? Why do I need the recognition? Why do I look to my children for validation of my life?

I guess I need to come up with a plan that involves me doing what I have to do No Matter What. I need to take mommy time outs and I can fall apart when I am alone after bedtime. I need to relearn how to live in my life. I need to learn how to be here and not make everyone around me miserable. Figuring out a plan has got to be priority. Changing our lives will have to start with me. I will keep you updated as to how that goes. Because I am not really sure how this will play out.

How did we get here?

The hope I felt not to long ago is slipping into the dark places. I have had too many panic attacks that required medication lately. I still feel lost and some confused. I have the overwhelming desire to clean out the clutter in my life. I am lost and without the motivation to get up and do anything. I have kids that need raising. I have a husband that deserves the best from me and I want to give him my best. I also have a family in the area who need me as well.

I have discovered that I rely on my husband very much. I always have. I heard my husband say the other day that we are in a rut. I guess after 10 years, you might expect that to happen. Here's the thing, I did not even see it coming. I have been waiting here for him because I wanted to live life with him. I wanted him to be a part of the memories the kids have. I just wanted him. Only with work and the other aspects of life we get moved to the back burner. I know he does it because he is so focused on the road. He is so busy trying to provide for us and make things work that he forgets we are waiting for him to be here.  I have listened to, "I will get to that. I will do that. I will take care of that," so long that I am more often than not shocked when he actually does those things. I would like to explain that a little.

Almost 8 years ago I moved out of my comfy, 20 minuets away from anything I could want, apartment. I moved willingly to Honey's roots. He and his family have lived on the same 5 acres for 34 years. We took over the recently divorced brother's home and took up the payments. One of many reasons we moved out here was the brothers did not want to leave their father out here alone. After 2 years of that we were in a position to get a home loan on his repaired credit. We took on a 4 bedroom home and 5 more acres touching the family's land. I never questioned my decision until very recently. Recently it has been so deep for me I wished for a house in town so the kids could walk to school. His father was living on the property with us until the summer of '06. Little Man was born almost a year later. Oldest Boy has been here since he was months old and The Teenager had her 5th birthday out here. That makes my Teen the only child who remembers living anywhere but here.

When I got here The Old Man had chickens, a calf every now and then, and some dogs. The animal population has fluctuated up and down with the ups and downs of life. We have had anywhere from 2 dogs all the way up to over 30 hogs and 12 horses. We even ran some sheep and goats for awhile. One summer we even had 3 litters of pups on the ground at the same time. I did alright with all of this for awhile but I get really attached to the animals (all except the pigs and chickens.) So it gets really hard to deal with the hard times when we have to get rid of everything due to lack of money. Now we only have 2 outside dogs, 2 rescue cats inside to catch mice, and 1 inside dog after the recent downsize.

When we got out here we spent a lot of time cleaning up the place. I would have to wait for Honey to help because there was 30 some years of stuff here that was not mine. We cleaned up the horse barn. We cleaned up the rabbit barn that we turned into a goat barn. I was so excited to have barns. My Honey was a part of the building process from the ground up. We started organizing the feed room. We got rid of junk cars. We hauled off trash. We did not work on it all the time but we enjoyed getting out and working together.

Just about the time we lost The Old Man and found out we would be adding Little Man I started traveling down the slope that has become the abyss I live in now. At that time, Honey had a good job in the oil field, but it required him to be on-call 24/7. We had benefits, a retirement package, enough money to pay the bills and extra. There was paid vacation time and even sick leave. Things worked out well when he was out of work 8 weeks for an emergency surgery. We had to let the boat go back but were able to keep the house and land we closed on only a month before. However, because of the work ethic he has, he had to "pay back" that time.

That made things more and more difficult as time went by. The job made life better for awhile then it made things worse. Untill he was under so much stress it was almost unbearable. He just got so angry. The whole family would hold their breath whenever his phone would ring. He would take whatever time he had to rest, so less of the "chores" got done. At that time I was still capable of maintaining on my own fairly well. However, the more I was left in my own head the easier it became to just accept. This is about the time the promises from Honey started feeling like just words to get me out of his hair. He was not ever really home enough to take care of such things and when he was we were all just waiting for the phone to ring. It got really hard to start anything. We quit going anywhere out of the concern that he would just have to turn around and go to work. We had to check in with work if we went outside of the cell phone coverage area because one Christmas Eve we were with family and work could not find him.

Honey has changed jobs several times since the "good" job and now instead of being on-call 24/7 he is just gone. He leaves sometime Sunday and does not get home most weeks until late Friday night or even early Saturday morning. So we just don't see him. When he is here he is busy with things that require his attention elsewhere. I can think of relationships where that would have been ideal, however, I need this man. I love this man. Now it is getting to the point that every time he grabs the keys I want to beg him not to go. Please don't go to work. Please don't go chasing dreams. Please don't go spend time with your friend. Please just stay home this time, I need the help. Many times when he leaves we are upset with each other for things said or left unsaid. Now we are to the point that he is angry and I don't do anything. The land, house, chores, kids, parents, pets and well everything has all been left to me to handle. Only I never wanted to do any of this alone. That is how I feel more often than not. Alone.

He calls a lot less than he used too. I call him less than I used too. Now we might only get 30 to 45 minuets of conversation all day with everything that is going on. I used to brag that we had the best communication of anyone we knew. We effectively discussed everything. Now I get updates of where he is at, new drama in the band, and other drivers. He gets, life is the same and the kids don't listen.

It was easy to make the slide because I was always prone to having "funks" as Honey called them. Only before, I could "come to my senses" and pull up out of it either on my own or with a little help. I don't think I really got over the "baby blues," which only makes it worse. This time though there is no pull myself out. I have had to get medication for depression and panic attacks. I have been putting on weight for about 2 years and around the 200 lb mark I could no longer pretend in my head that I was still 150 lbs. The image in the mirror finally became the image in my head. Deeper I go. Now we are in the process of fighting bulging disks in my back with no real health care. Deeper I go. I had surgery once already. The doctors have told me I need another surgery or two but the Indians don't do surgery on backs. We owe big bucks for the MRI I had done with the insurance from the job last summer. Deeper I go.

Even though I can sit down and say all of this, the light of hope slips away as the abyss takes back over. I talk, write, even help others while making no real progress in my own life. I knew it was bad when Honey said to me, "I am here for you. I don't have to leave [for work] until later and I will still be here for you." All I could think was, "if you are here for me then why are you leaving me?"

I want to live my life, not just be in it.

Watching The World Work

We have many oppertunitites to watch the world work and we also are given the chance to watch what faith in the Lord can allow Him to do in the world. I find that often my struggling includes God. I question what I really believe in. I found myself in a position to watch both work this weekend and I am amazed all the time.

My family has with great pride decided to support my husband in pursuit of his dream. His dream is music. This decision has side effects. We are not always smart with our money. We are often short on cash and wonder where bill money will come from. See he has the ability to make very good money, only we take jobs that allow him to be where he needs to be to work on the music. I, along with back issues that make it hard to get a job, was made a promise by my husband so I get to stay home with the kids. So until the music works out (whatever that may look like) we struggle with money.

This weekend we ran out of gas pulling the band trailer on the turnpike. We called some people and they were busy or did not answer. Then I called the last person in the world I wanted to call because I know the financial struggles she is going through. "I don't have any money but I will come get your right now," is what she told me without hesitation. I asked her to wait to see if we could find another solution because I was leary of leaving the band trailer on the turnpike. She called right back and said she was on her way, her ex-husband gave her the money to bring us some gas. You see my friend and her ex-husband have been challenged recently and have turned faithfully to God to walk them through. Oddly enough they were the only ones who answered the call and were willing to do something to help us.

I started praying as soon as we left that we would make it home. (And we did but not without a lesson first.) I started counting blessings when the gas light came on. My friend came in what seemed like record time. You see along with being stranded on the side of the road with the entire family, my little man was suffering from an acute stomic virus. Thankfuly we had enough plastic bags in the car to get us home. She followed us to the gas station in town where she tried to buy us some gas. God had other plans. As my husband humlbly took the $3.60 in change he found in the car we were given the chance to believe in strangers. The man set the pump for $4.00 and told my husband he was sorry that was the best he could do. As we all got started home my husband asked me if I had been praying and I told him I had. Then he told me what the man at the gas station did.

I learned the people in your inner circle are vital and they can be trusted with everything even if they have to tell you no sometimes. I learned that when we are faithful God can do amazing things. While $0.40 may not seem like a big deal to you and me, at that moment it was a huge message from God to my husband. Honey is still processing but he told me it was huge.  I also learned that even when I turn away from my Father he always takes me back with open arms. Sometimes the lessons sting and sometimes I don't get it at all but He knows the plan and makes sure to give me as many oppertunities as I need to learn.

Thank you Father for all the blessings in my life and thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there all the time. A-men.

Circles? Really?!

I had a good night sleep last night and I believe there are a couple of reasons for that. One would be, this process that is letting my struggles out into the light. I was speaking to a very dear friend last night and she told me that opening up and putting it down, may be the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. She told me that keeping these things in my head, in the dark, they get big and scary really fast. Once I start grabbing thoughts, dragging them out, shaking the dust off, and putting the pieces together I can see them better. I am making them a whole thought (by putting them down out here in space), so I can then start to see the edges and outlines. I can see them and sort them when they are not all jumbled up in my head. Then slowly this one thought is not as big as it first appeared in the dark. It becomes something to work on, chisel away at, and maybe with the right attitude even control one day. Well, she said some amazing thing like that.
Another reason for some good sleep might be that I have many loved ones in my life who care about me. I am able to step outside of myself today and see that they worry about me all the time. I know that they believe very strongly that by the power of prayer and positive language I will not stay lost. I know that even though I am struggling their convection can give me strength when I can hold on to it. I have a Dad that tells me all the time, "#1. Don't sweat the small stuff & #2. It's all small stuff."

That gets me to my title today. That could be the definition of depression in my world. I get so lost in the stuff.
 It kinda looks like this:  I get up late yesterday. (pebble) I have no energy because I am tired, because I stayed up late the night before. I stayed up late because I am stuck in my head and can't sleep. (circle #1) I don't do much of anything and survive until nap time. (small accomplishment) We take a nap. We wake up. The little man is cranky because I don't know why. (more pebbles) The teenager has been working on me for over a week and will be riding the bus home today even though it only benefits her. So we load up and drive the 6 miles to the bus stop instead of the 10 miles to school 45 minuets later in the day to pick her up. (frustration at circle #2) Little man won't stay in his car seat. (fight) Then we holler and bounce all over the cab of the truck while we wait for the bus. (getting claustrophobic) Teenager opens the door and climbs in and before the door shuts she is working on me about the next thing she just has to have. (arrggg) Buckle Little man back in his seat because we have to go to town. (brace for the fight, and people) Teenager shifts focus to something that cost money almost at once and has a following immediately. (tag team, great) At this point I am running on E. There is nothing in the tank and no reserve. I will not make it through this day with out wounding or being wounded, most likely both. The landslide has started and it appears at this point it may remain minor. Take care of business in town and are headed to pick up Middle man and the whole side of the mountain comes down. Honey says, "we can do that right, it is not a big deal?" Totally defeated I answer in my small voice, " yes, if that is what we need to do." But I remember saying that there were very specific circumstances that needed to be meet to make that work and that is not even close to what I told you I needed. (when is what I say important?) We are in a free fall. He takes note of the small voice and asks that I explain. I do but the damage is done. We change the plans but I still feel completely worthless, and unheard. (small thing fixed by speaking up, still circling the drain) Now I have all the kids and I'm neck deep before we make it home. I am hurt, I lash out because no one is hearing me and hurt others, the guilt of it all starts to crush and there are still two hours to bed time.

How can I know something as simple as #2 it is all small stuff, and be buried alive by the same small stuff? How can I see the house does not clean it's self, and be completely leveled when I try to clean it up? How do I get so claustrophobic that I have panic attacks that require medication, but I am a pack rat that must have my stuff around me? None of it makes sense. Nothing about where I live in my head is logical. Once the circles start spinning and I feel locked in, there is nothing that can keep me from crashing. We live through this on a daily basis at my house. Of course some days are better than others but the opposite is true as well. When it is a bad day it can get worse.

I gave my husband a circle to represent my Love. It has no beginning and no end, it is unbreakable. How can something so special and big and honest and beautiful also be malicious? I flinch as the circles start flying in from the abyss. As they slide over my head and to my waist, I start the constant motion to keep them moving because if they all stop at the same time I don't get out of bed for days. So I stand here quietly concentrating on keeping them going and everyone wants to know why I am tired? If I get distracted for even one second it all comes crashing down. The really bad days are when no matter what I do they crash down anyway.

I would like to see my struggles turn from circles to a tug-of-war rope. That way as I get past a struggle it will be behind me and be something I can lean on when I need to dig in for the really tough challenges. I could keep moving down the rope, moving forward. I would learn what I need to from a struggle then it becomes part of the base I can brace against as I keep moving. Instead of these circles that never begin because they never end. Even when they fall down around me I have to pick them all up and get them moving again to move forward. I very rarely am able to leave one behind. Even more rarely am I able to break one. They just pile up and are always heavy because I have to carry them all instead of being able to coil them nicely behind me.

I want to Live My Life not just be in it.

Good days

It is funny. I started writing and just wanted to put some random struggles out into the world. As I look over what I have written so far I find myself wanting to know more about the author. Do you have good days and what do they look like, I want to ask. Oh, I realize, I do have good days, sometimes just moments. Sometimes, my best moments of the day are when I see I made it through without hurting anyone seriously through action or the lack thereof.

I got to spend the day with all three of my kids, away from the house, doing something fun this past Sunday. I stood in the lines to get the things that we needed. I took the small one to the bathroom while leaving the older two behind. I watched as the middle child went to the bathroom on his own and came back. I had a good day and the kids had fun. Alone these things may not seem like a big deal, but to me and my family they are. I have not done anything like that without my husband almost ever.

I am not comfortable with large crowds. I get claustrophobic and panic. I can when I have too, but the quicker I can get out of that situation the better for everyone. The really weird thing is I would rather be a face in the crowd than be close enough that someone might see my hurts. I prefer the larger church (yes I church when I can) where I am just a face. Sure there is light conversation with the teachers in the kids rooms but it is much to busy for more than a "Hi, good to see you again." At the small church I am afraid that people will want to get to know me and there will be more people in my to worry about letting down or hurting. So I run in, drop the kids off, (oh, get this) sit in the front, and run out when it's over. So taking the kids to any event without my social husband to hide behind is hard for me.

I watch him in awe. He shines most of the time. His light has it's own magnetic pull. I am amazed everyday that this man is with me, even the good ones. He can talk to anyone and everyone. He can laugh until he is gasping for air at the drop of a hat. Well, the drop of a thought would be more accurate. The best part is he does! He laughs, I mean really laughs at things because he can see the humor. I think that is so cool. I wish I could see the movie screen in his head all the time. Our family knows, if he starts, you just have to wait until he can breath again to find out what struck him as funny because there is no telling.

I watch my kids play together and I feel warm. I look outside in awe of what God can do. I see colors. I would talk about the smells of things I love but I can't smell.

I always think in those moments why can't this be enough for me? My dad used to tell me, "someday you are going to have to be happy with what you have," but I am still looking over the fence wondering. Not what is over there because I know. I am in a good place. I have smart (maybe too smart) and healthy kids, a wonderful man to walk through life with, I even have some good stories about how I got to where I am. Those are the things that matter but now when I look of the fence and wonder I wonder about how they do it. Yes, Dad, I hear you. We are all ducks. Calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath. Then I wonder, what makes it so hard for me to keep paddling?

Well I feel good about this entry. I will go to bed tonight not as angry or hurt and maybe a little less lost. I like being able to look at this and see all the positive in there. Maybe someday soon I can look up to find I am living my life and not just in it.

Hope, nice warm hope.

Why Wont You Listen?

I speak english.
I even speak clearly most of the time.

I tell others that I want things, that I need things, even what I expect from them. I answer the questions that are asked of me. Why does no one hear or understand me? As we go through the year I hear my loved ones speak of things they wish to see or have. I make a note and when it is possible I can get those things for them. I worry about the things I want to to for others. I often put myself last to put others first. I try not to look around and say, "Which of you are doing that for me because I am having a hard time seeing it?" I know my perception is off, I know that you may be advertising in neon and I just don't see, and I ask those questions because I want to speak your language. See, I understand we all speak different love langages. Which simply means we all think different things are important in different ways depending on how we were taught. I want to know what the things are that you do that you feel I just brush aside. I feel brushed aside all the time, by everyone.

Example: (just one from today alone)
Mother:  Please pick up the livingroom, take out the cat litter, wash your hands, eat dinner, shower, then load the dishwasher.

Son:  Guess what I did at school today........

Mother:  That is very nice, cool (or whatever applies) Now could you get started for me?

The 8 year old promptly turns to his 3 year old brother and says come on as they take off through the house. After waiting 20 mins, to give the brothers time to play, Mom reminds Son that he has chores he is expected to do. So he picks up a sock and zeros in on the TV. 

Now up to this point I am Ok as long as the mess in the house has not sent me into a closterphobic panic attack. From here on out however, it gets insane quick. I am screaming at my 8 year old son and a 15 min job morphs into a 2 1/2 hours marathon. How long can I not do what she has asked of me before she quits pestering me? I know that is what he is thinking because it is a crap shoot as to what kind of day I am having.  More than once he gets away with just not doing because I just don't have the energy to fight.

I am sitting here thinking, hurting, begging for help with no one to ask because of this. I started the entry for today about the Good Days. But here I am again, just struggling!

When my daughter was around two, I explained to my husband that you must pick your battles. You have to know what fights are worth having. The problem I have now is that everything is a battle. I have to prove to everyone all the time that I am willing to stand my ground and stand up for myself. I must prove to the 3 year old that I mean it when I say nap time. I have to prove to the 8 year old that I really want him to do what I ask. I have to prove to the 13 year old that I am watching and she can't just run over everyone. I have to prove to the 36 year old that I have a brain.

Only I do not have the strength to fight all those battles everyday, all day long. The longer I am stuck in this place the harder it is to battle. I still remember the time when I could handle my children all the way to bed time. Why am I not important enough for you to listen too. Any of you, all of you, sometimes I NEED you to listen to me because I can not fight today. I don't want to have to prove myself. I don't want to have to explain everything. I don't want to defend myself against you because you don't understand why I can not defend myself and it really does not matter how common sence you think it is.

I speak english and I know that the rest of you do as well because I taught most of you.