As the darkness seeps in, I see the color draining from the world. I see the darkness as a smoke slowly filling the room that is my life. I see the relationships that will suffer.
I am afraid of loosing to the darkness again. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid for my family. I know more than anyone that I am not easy to live with when I get lost in this place. I WILL be making calls tomorrow and looking for some real help this time. I need doctors that are closer and more available.
My key indicators are this: My pain is increasing, I my need for my husband is compounding by the minuet, my tolerance with the kids is going down and instead of parenting I want to recoil. I am pulling away again.
I am in free fall. I don't scream because there is no noise here. Even in the waves of dark, loneliness, guilt, lack of emotion, self destruction I know that no one would hear me. I want to jump up and down, shine my survival mirror in the sky for searchers to see, start a large wet fire with lots of smoke that can be seen for miles, I so do not want to be lost. Only like hypothermia, all my scenes are dull, my movements are sluggish, my words are slurred to the point that the people standing around me do not see the bad things about to happen. I will be accused of "quiting" or "even if there was a pill that could cure you tomorrow I'm not sure you would take it because you hold on so tightly to this". I will be accused some day of neglect. Of being a bad mother for not being able to cope.
I AM NOT THINKING OF HURTING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. I just know that even though I will be here physically no one will be able to count on me. I will not be the person I need to be for those around me. I want the people I love to have the strong woman they need in their life, instead of me.
I walked away from more than one abuser. I stand up for others with my life. I have known passion. I have known happiness. I have made my own hell. I have fought for what I wanted. I have been an active parent. Where is that woman. What has happened to me.
There was a time very recently I thought my husband was done with me. Now even worse, I found myself wishing for strong arms to turn to since my husband is not here. I wish for someone who could make the hurt go away. I never wanted my husband to be off living his life and me be here living a separate one. I want someone here to live with, to raise kids with, to talk to, even worse I want someone close to me who can just hold me when all I can do is shake and cry. Someone to be the parent when I can't. I want to be able to take turns sleeping in and cooking on the weekend. I don't want to be in the country anymore. I want to be close to the park, pizza, friends, and stores. Not for me but for the kids. I want a yard I can mow and I want the trash men to come and take my trash away. I don't think I would be "better" I just think the people around me could cope better if they had things they could go do. Hang out with friends at Sonic, or ride their bikes in the street. Play with the neighborhood kids.
We lost a father, we lost a mother, we lost friends, we lost horses, we lost dogs, we are now losing the cat. There is so much loss. Spinning, falling, tumbling out of control and there is nothing to hold on to. Everything is lost along the way. I don't to lose any more. I have no control. I can't even pretend or maintain the illusion of control over anything in my world.
Maybe the day light will bring the help I need. I know the sun is supposed to shine and the weather is getting warmer. I hope to find the help I need while I still can. I hope I can move fast enough that I do not become completely lost in the darkness forever.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
What Now?
It has been awhile.
I can't believe how easy it is to get lost in my own head. Conversations with my mother, or Honey, or even the kids can drastically affect my mood. How do manage my moods when I can't control the world around me? I can't change the fact that my mother believes that we are moving into a "Red Dawn" type of world. We will be living in the worst times that anyone can remember. After talking to her I must deal with the fact that if this becomes a reality then most of my family will die very quickly. Without the proper medication most of the lungs in our family with quit working under enough stress. In a world where we must adapt or die, I will lose most of everything.
Along with that there are people who believe in me. They "know" I am capable of so many great things. In that, I'm stuck not only letting myself down but the many others who are counting on me. I have the greatest desire to do amazing things but only if I can do them perfectly and with all my attention. The problem is there are many things in my life that need my attention all the time. Potty train the dog, feed the pets, clean out the cat litter, pick up the trash, do laundry, do dishes, raise the children, maintain relationships, and so much more.
I have recently diagnosed myself on the verge of a very serious hoarding problem. I always thought I was just a "pack-rat" but it is very clear to me that with the right trigger I could spiral out of control without notice. This is very scary because I try to "control" my surroundings by keeping "things" around me. (I believe with all my heart that control is an illusion.) The problem quickly becomes that I get claustrophobic when the house gets out of control which makes it almost impossible to get up and do anything about it. My kids are living in the trash that is my life and the only thing that keeps it from getting out of control is Honey. What if something happens to Honey.
So here is what I know: Perfectionism can be debilitating. It can lead to OCD or the other way around and they feed off each other. Insecurities about losing control and losing people leads to the "hoarding". I know I am at risk because I know I want a home that has curtains, nice furniture, and a place for everything. The problem with that is some of the places for things are in boxes under the bed, in the corners, in the kids closets, in my closet, and when I have help I may even shift some of the "clutter" to another building on the property. I have asked for help. I ask people to come into my home and show me what are the things I do not need. I ask my Honey. I ask friends. What I have learned from some of the TV shows I have seen is the experts want the hoarder to make dessions about every single thing. I have seen, even through the editing of the show, the people have a very hard time with this part of the healing process.
Ok, so in my head I have too many things. Things that are not important to everyday life. The problem is I can look at and touch any of those things and tell you why I think I need to keep it. I can tell you what every piece of toy goes too or whose favorite it used to be. I can not tell you what needs to go away. I have gone through periods in my life where when I pack a box I date it and if the tape has not been broken in a set amount of time I throw away the box. I can not do this if I open the box. I can not determine what needs to be given away to others. When I have tried to make donate "piles" then I just have another reason to not get rid of things because I don't ever really go to places to donate things. I can not go through my things and decide what would go into a sale. I have people in my life saying save everything but I don't ever take the things I am supposed to save to the people who want them.
What is worse? The fact that I can tell you about this illness. The fact that I can see what needs to be done. The fact that I can not do what needs to be done. (The only time I can do anything is when I am angry and I must throw the things away. Those times are rare.) Then there is the fact that I believe I could walk into another's situation and could help them go through and decide piece by piece how to de-clutter their world. Why can I tell my kids how to fix the problem in their rooms but I can not show them how to do it? The last time I almost had help I was so ashamed of the condition of my home I would not let my very dear friend come out and help me.
It is amazing I function at all! All I want is to function better! The darkness has taken over again. One reason is, I have found it very hard to call in my refills. If the world is going to end as we know it then I won't have them anyway. BAD THING, VERY BAD THING.
I can't believe how easy it is to get lost in my own head. Conversations with my mother, or Honey, or even the kids can drastically affect my mood. How do manage my moods when I can't control the world around me? I can't change the fact that my mother believes that we are moving into a "Red Dawn" type of world. We will be living in the worst times that anyone can remember. After talking to her I must deal with the fact that if this becomes a reality then most of my family will die very quickly. Without the proper medication most of the lungs in our family with quit working under enough stress. In a world where we must adapt or die, I will lose most of everything.
Along with that there are people who believe in me. They "know" I am capable of so many great things. In that, I'm stuck not only letting myself down but the many others who are counting on me. I have the greatest desire to do amazing things but only if I can do them perfectly and with all my attention. The problem is there are many things in my life that need my attention all the time. Potty train the dog, feed the pets, clean out the cat litter, pick up the trash, do laundry, do dishes, raise the children, maintain relationships, and so much more.
I have recently diagnosed myself on the verge of a very serious hoarding problem. I always thought I was just a "pack-rat" but it is very clear to me that with the right trigger I could spiral out of control without notice. This is very scary because I try to "control" my surroundings by keeping "things" around me. (I believe with all my heart that control is an illusion.) The problem quickly becomes that I get claustrophobic when the house gets out of control which makes it almost impossible to get up and do anything about it. My kids are living in the trash that is my life and the only thing that keeps it from getting out of control is Honey. What if something happens to Honey.
So here is what I know: Perfectionism can be debilitating. It can lead to OCD or the other way around and they feed off each other. Insecurities about losing control and losing people leads to the "hoarding". I know I am at risk because I know I want a home that has curtains, nice furniture, and a place for everything. The problem with that is some of the places for things are in boxes under the bed, in the corners, in the kids closets, in my closet, and when I have help I may even shift some of the "clutter" to another building on the property. I have asked for help. I ask people to come into my home and show me what are the things I do not need. I ask my Honey. I ask friends. What I have learned from some of the TV shows I have seen is the experts want the hoarder to make dessions about every single thing. I have seen, even through the editing of the show, the people have a very hard time with this part of the healing process.
Ok, so in my head I have too many things. Things that are not important to everyday life. The problem is I can look at and touch any of those things and tell you why I think I need to keep it. I can tell you what every piece of toy goes too or whose favorite it used to be. I can not tell you what needs to go away. I have gone through periods in my life where when I pack a box I date it and if the tape has not been broken in a set amount of time I throw away the box. I can not do this if I open the box. I can not determine what needs to be given away to others. When I have tried to make donate "piles" then I just have another reason to not get rid of things because I don't ever really go to places to donate things. I can not go through my things and decide what would go into a sale. I have people in my life saying save everything but I don't ever take the things I am supposed to save to the people who want them.
What is worse? The fact that I can tell you about this illness. The fact that I can see what needs to be done. The fact that I can not do what needs to be done. (The only time I can do anything is when I am angry and I must throw the things away. Those times are rare.) Then there is the fact that I believe I could walk into another's situation and could help them go through and decide piece by piece how to de-clutter their world. Why can I tell my kids how to fix the problem in their rooms but I can not show them how to do it? The last time I almost had help I was so ashamed of the condition of my home I would not let my very dear friend come out and help me.
It is amazing I function at all! All I want is to function better! The darkness has taken over again. One reason is, I have found it very hard to call in my refills. If the world is going to end as we know it then I won't have them anyway. BAD THING, VERY BAD THING.
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