I have had journals all my life, however I do get into trouble for what I write, when others find and read them. I just thought that I could write for awhile to whoever and everyone. Maybe others think things like I do and are just struggling.
I will write to the abyss that causes my questions and if you are around to read or comment then cool and if not I will remain in my own world with my own thoughts just wondering if there are others out there. I tend to be the lonely one in the middle of the crowd of friends and strangers anyway.
As a mother of three I never thought I would have to beg for advice. To be honest, I kinda thought that the world and I would just line up. The kids would know and understand what I wanted them to do and do it. Guess what! It does not work that way. Kids want and need direction and boundaries. The problem with insecurities, lack of self-esteem, no confidence, and other symptoms of depression is I often feel defeated before I start. So when the kids ask why my resolve shatters. When they stand defiantly before me and demand I hold my ground, I see another failure about to happen. How am I ever going to teach my kids to be functioning adults when all they see is Me?
How do others do it? Make the choice everyday to Live? What is wrong with me? "They" say talk to someone. Ok. I am an intelligent adult female. I get up, shower, get dressed, put on some light make-up and go speak with someone. I talk about how irrational it is to think this way and I have and use all the tools they would give me. More often than not they are not really sure why I am there. I have not found the help I need for the days I don't shower, the make-up is not worth it, the clothes are just something to cover my own disgust so why change them. Where is that help? Is it too late for my kids? Is this a chemical imbalance? Or culture? Did I learn this or did I get it when I was made? How do I fight it? How do I silence myself long enough to find an answer?
I struggle everyday. I may not always move forward and I may be still for very long spells, but I have not ever looked for a way to end this life I have. Mostly (and I don't know that I have EVER said this) I don't want to hurt the ones I love that way. I don't want anyone to have to "find" me. There are many times I wish to simply just be erased so I can not hurt the ones I love anymore. I struggle everyday. I am still here. I want more than anything in the world to Live My Life not just be in it.
You are not alone. There is reason to hope.
ReplyDelete1 Peter 1:21 (New International Version 1984, ©1984)
21 Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.
I don't have all the answers for you, and I cannot make it easier to get up on the hard days - certainly not in one comment, but know this: We all struggle. Some people are more transparent in their struggles, and some people hide them better. We all struggle. Life is overwhelming. Take it to the cross, continue to seek help, love, support, and know that you are loved, there is a purpose for you, there is a reason to hope. I will be watching for you to post again!