The hope I felt not to long ago is slipping into the dark places. I have had too many panic attacks that required medication lately. I still feel lost and some confused. I have the overwhelming desire to clean out the clutter in my life. I am lost and without the motivation to get up and do anything. I have kids that need raising. I have a husband that deserves the best from me and I want to give him my best. I also have a family in the area who need me as well.
I have discovered that I rely on my husband very much. I always have. I heard my husband say the other day that we are in a rut. I guess after 10 years, you might expect that to happen. Here's the thing, I did not even see it coming. I have been waiting here for him because I wanted to live life with him. I wanted him to be a part of the memories the kids have. I just wanted him. Only with work and the other aspects of life we get moved to the back burner. I know he does it because he is so focused on the road. He is so busy trying to provide for us and make things work that he forgets we are waiting for him to be here. I have listened to, "I will get to that. I will do that. I will take care of that," so long that I am more often than not shocked when he actually does those things. I would like to explain that a little.
Almost 8 years ago I moved out of my comfy, 20 minuets away from anything I could want, apartment. I moved willingly to Honey's roots. He and his family have lived on the same 5 acres for 34 years. We took over the recently divorced brother's home and took up the payments. One of many reasons we moved out here was the brothers did not want to leave their father out here alone. After 2 years of that we were in a position to get a home loan on his repaired credit. We took on a 4 bedroom home and 5 more acres touching the family's land. I never questioned my decision until very recently. Recently it has been so deep for me I wished for a house in town so the kids could walk to school. His father was living on the property with us until the summer of '06. Little Man was born almost a year later. Oldest Boy has been here since he was months old and The Teenager had her 5th birthday out here. That makes my Teen the only child who remembers living anywhere but here.
When I got here The Old Man had chickens, a calf every now and then, and some dogs. The animal population has fluctuated up and down with the ups and downs of life. We have had anywhere from 2 dogs all the way up to over 30 hogs and 12 horses. We even ran some sheep and goats for awhile. One summer we even had 3 litters of pups on the ground at the same time. I did alright with all of this for awhile but I get really attached to the animals (all except the pigs and chickens.) So it gets really hard to deal with the hard times when we have to get rid of everything due to lack of money. Now we only have 2 outside dogs, 2 rescue cats inside to catch mice, and 1 inside dog after the recent downsize.
When we got out here we spent a lot of time cleaning up the place. I would have to wait for Honey to help because there was 30 some years of stuff here that was not mine. We cleaned up the horse barn. We cleaned up the rabbit barn that we turned into a goat barn. I was so excited to have barns. My Honey was a part of the building process from the ground up. We started organizing the feed room. We got rid of junk cars. We hauled off trash. We did not work on it all the time but we enjoyed getting out and working together.
Just about the time we lost The Old Man and found out we would be adding Little Man I started traveling down the slope that has become the abyss I live in now. At that time, Honey had a good job in the oil field, but it required him to be on-call 24/7. We had benefits, a retirement package, enough money to pay the bills and extra. There was paid vacation time and even sick leave. Things worked out well when he was out of work 8 weeks for an emergency surgery. We had to let the boat go back but were able to keep the house and land we closed on only a month before. However, because of the work ethic he has, he had to "pay back" that time.
That made things more and more difficult as time went by. The job made life better for awhile then it made things worse. Untill he was under so much stress it was almost unbearable. He just got so angry. The whole family would hold their breath whenever his phone would ring. He would take whatever time he had to rest, so less of the "chores" got done. At that time I was still capable of maintaining on my own fairly well. However, the more I was left in my own head the easier it became to just accept. This is about the time the promises from Honey started feeling like just words to get me out of his hair. He was not ever really home enough to take care of such things and when he was we were all just waiting for the phone to ring. It got really hard to start anything. We quit going anywhere out of the concern that he would just have to turn around and go to work. We had to check in with work if we went outside of the cell phone coverage area because one Christmas Eve we were with family and work could not find him.
Honey has changed jobs several times since the "good" job and now instead of being on-call 24/7 he is just gone. He leaves sometime Sunday and does not get home most weeks until late Friday night or even early Saturday morning. So we just don't see him. When he is here he is busy with things that require his attention elsewhere. I can think of relationships where that would have been ideal, however, I need this man. I love this man. Now it is getting to the point that every time he grabs the keys I want to beg him not to go. Please don't go to work. Please don't go chasing dreams. Please don't go spend time with your friend. Please just stay home this time, I need the help. Many times when he leaves we are upset with each other for things said or left unsaid. Now we are to the point that he is angry and I don't do anything. The land, house, chores, kids, parents, pets and well everything has all been left to me to handle. Only I never wanted to do any of this alone. That is how I feel more often than not. Alone.
He calls a lot less than he used too. I call him less than I used too. Now we might only get 30 to 45 minuets of conversation all day with everything that is going on. I used to brag that we had the best communication of anyone we knew. We effectively discussed everything. Now I get updates of where he is at, new drama in the band, and other drivers. He gets, life is the same and the kids don't listen.
It was easy to make the slide because I was always prone to having "funks" as Honey called them. Only before, I could "come to my senses" and pull up out of it either on my own or with a little help. I don't think I really got over the "baby blues," which only makes it worse. This time though there is no pull myself out. I have had to get medication for depression and panic attacks. I have been putting on weight for about 2 years and around the 200 lb mark I could no longer pretend in my head that I was still 150 lbs. The image in the mirror finally became the image in my head. Deeper I go. Now we are in the process of fighting bulging disks in my back with no real health care. Deeper I go. I had surgery once already. The doctors have told me I need another surgery or two but the Indians don't do surgery on backs. We owe big bucks for the MRI I had done with the insurance from the job last summer. Deeper I go.
Even though I can sit down and say all of this, the light of hope slips away as the abyss takes back over. I talk, write, even help others while making no real progress in my own life. I knew it was bad when Honey said to me, "I am here for you. I don't have to leave [for work] until later and I will still be here for you." All I could think was, "if you are here for me then why are you leaving me?"
I want to live my life, not just be in it.
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