What Now?

It has been awhile.

 I can't believe how easy it is to get lost in my own head. Conversations with my mother, or Honey, or even the kids can drastically affect my mood. How do manage my moods when I can't control the world around me? I can't change the fact that my mother believes that we are moving into a "Red Dawn" type of world. We will be living in the worst times that anyone can remember. After talking to her I must deal with the fact that if this becomes a reality then most of my family will die very quickly. Without the proper medication most of the lungs in our family with quit working under enough stress. In a world where we must adapt or die, I will lose most of everything.

Along with that there are people who believe in me. They "know" I am capable of so many great things. In that, I'm stuck not only letting myself down but the many others who are counting on me. I have the greatest desire to do amazing things but only if I can do them perfectly and with all my attention. The problem is there are many things in my life that need my attention all the time. Potty train the dog, feed the pets, clean out the cat litter, pick up the trash, do laundry, do dishes, raise the children, maintain relationships, and so much more.

 I have recently diagnosed myself on the verge of a very serious hoarding problem. I always thought I was just a "pack-rat" but it is very clear to me that with the right trigger I could spiral out of control without notice. This is very scary because I try to "control" my surroundings by keeping "things" around me. (I believe with all my heart that control is an illusion.)  The problem quickly becomes that I get claustrophobic when the house gets out of control which makes it almost impossible to get up and do anything about it. My kids are living in the trash that is my life and the only thing that keeps it from getting out of control is Honey. What if something happens to Honey.

So here is what I know:  Perfectionism can be debilitating. It can lead to OCD or the other way around and they feed off each other. Insecurities about losing control and losing people leads to the "hoarding". I know I am at risk because I know I want a home that has curtains, nice furniture, and a place for everything. The problem with that is some of the places for things are in boxes under the bed, in the corners, in the kids closets, in my closet, and when I have help I may even shift some of the "clutter" to another building on the property. I have asked for help. I ask people to come into my home and show me what are the things I do not need. I ask my Honey. I ask friends. What I have learned from some of the TV shows I have seen is the experts want the hoarder to make dessions about every single thing. I have seen, even through the editing of the show, the people have a very hard time with this part of the healing process.

Ok, so in my head I have too many things. Things that are not important to everyday life. The problem is I can look at and touch any of those things and tell you why I think I need to keep it. I can tell you what every piece of toy goes too or whose favorite it used to be. I can not tell you what needs to go away. I have gone through periods in my life where when I pack a box I date it and if the tape has not been broken in a set amount of time I throw away the box. I can not do this if I open the box. I can not determine what needs to be given away to others. When I have tried to make donate "piles" then I just have another reason to not get rid of things because I don't ever really go to places to donate things. I can not go through my things and decide what would go into a sale. I have people in my life saying save everything but I don't ever take the things I am supposed to save to the people who want them.

What is worse? The fact that I can tell you about this illness. The fact that I can see what needs to be done. The fact that I can not do what needs to be done. (The only time I can do anything is when I am angry and I must throw the things away. Those times are rare.)  Then there is the fact that I believe I could walk into another's situation and could help them go through and decide piece by piece how to de-clutter their world. Why can I tell my kids how to fix the problem in their rooms but I can not show them how to do it? The last time I almost had help I was so ashamed of the condition of my home I would not let my very dear friend come out and help me.

It is amazing I function at all! All I want is to function better! The darkness has taken over again. One reason is, I have found it very hard to call in my refills. If the world is going to end as we know it then I won't have them anyway. BAD THING, VERY BAD THING.