I wonder

As I look around the world I wonder.....

How can so much happen to any one person? Everyone in the world struggles with some things, right? Others have real struggles, will my kids eat today, will they find my sister before it is too late, will my solider come home? Others have real trials. Small children watch horrific tragities and grow up to be police men. Men watch brothers die beside them fighting for people they love and people they have never met. Why can they pick themselves up by the boot straps and keep walking? What makes my life so hard that I can not be happy?

Where is God? Do I believe in God? Who does He help? Do I believe that Jesus died for me? Do I believe that I can make God happy? How can someone who loves me so much have so many expectations of me that I fall short of, all the time? Why are the rules so hard to live by? Why are the hoops held so high? Why do You whisper when my own voices are too loud to quiet without medication? Have I failed every morning when I wake up because I took an anti-depressant before bed? How do I put you first in everything when I don't even know where to turn to find the next breath of air? As I sink in my depression, that makes no sense, am I failing again because I can not hold on to You?

Why have you put this wonderful man in my life who does not comprehend depression? Am I his test? And what if he fails Your test, am I to be left totally alone? Why must my kids, parents, siblings, and friends be put through the test of me? Do You not love them? Is this my purpose? How can this help give you the glory? If I am to be a light, why is it so dark here?

What if I can't buy food for the kids because of the bad choices made before I knew why tithing was the thing to do? Do I still give you that money? What if I choose to buy the food instead of God first? What if I cash the paycheck but am so behind at the bank they would keep it if I cashed it there, and I do pay You first? Am I then giving you someone eles' money because I already spent Yours? What about those people who do it right and still struggle everyday? How do those people keep the faith?
I want some of that!
I want to believe without question that someone is there for me no matter what. I want to know that no matter how bad I mess up there are open arms waiting for me. I want to be important to anyone, someone, at the very least the people I love. I let them down and I can not be there when they need me. Why would they be there for me? Why does it hurt so bad when I look up and see everyone has moved on while I was looking down?

Not God because I don't see him hurt for me or because of me. But I do see many others hurt because of my inability to be consistent, involved, or an active particapant in life. I watch people hurt because of me everyday. Some of the hurt is only in my head, but more of it is the people who love me back wanting to help me. Wanting to just grab hold of me and pull me out of the dark. I can't even raise my hand to theirs. Oops, don't look now, because I have found the strength to reach today. Everyone is tried of trying and has gone to take a break. They have lives they have to live too, laundry, dishes, dirty floors, kids that need raising. They will try again tomorrow. Maybe after lunch. Maybe they are just frustrated with me because other people live everyday with everyday problems. Why can't I live? Why is this choice so hard for me?

I want more than anything to Live My Life not just be in it!