Some of My Triggers

I struggle on the daily level. Last night I had a melt down. I sat down with all the little ones sick, motivated to work on projects that require my attention. I had not even planned to watch the major sporting event for the evening, but Little Man asked for it so we turned it on. As soon as we turned on the TV the volume went straight to stress. The Little sick one started whining at once for a dinner that was not on the menu. The Oldest Boy was not listening therefore we had to encourage better behavior. In the middle of all that Honey took a call since he is a loud person the conversation was loud. 

"I am here for you" 

It took all of about 15 minuets of all this going on for me to lose it. I was yelling and upset with no stopping me. I started second dinner and Honey came in and after a heated debate took over with me retreating to my bed. I have figured out that the noise level can be a trigger for me just like the mess. Also, when I finally find some motivation, it does not take much of anything to totally derail that attempt. You add a week of sick kids locked in the house by bad weather with Honey leaving for the week with more bad weather on the way and you have a perfect storm for panic attack with a lot of anger. 

"I am here for you" 

Those words ring in my ears often these days. It has been over a month since they were spoken yet they are still breaking my heart. "If you are here for me then why are you leaving me?" I know that the bills have to be paid and I know that Honey must be the provider for our family. It is built into who he is and I could not do it. However, with my new resolve to be the Mother I should be I am struggling with being here alone. Without Honey everything seems harder. On the flip side Honey has no more patience for my "condition" and he is increasingly agitated. So even when he is here things are still hard. I don't like the avalanche affect that happens between the noise, desire, obligation, and guilt because I am hurting my family. 

"I am here for you" and now it is time for me to go "be here" for my children.

Today I will try living my life not just being in it.