Lost

As the darkness seeps in, I see the color draining from the world. I see the darkness as a smoke slowly filling the room that is my life. I see the relationships that will suffer.

I am afraid of loosing to the darkness again. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid for my family. I know more than anyone that I am not easy to live with when I get lost in this place. I WILL be making calls tomorrow and looking for some real help this time. I need doctors that are closer and more available.

My key indicators are this:  My pain is increasing, I my need for my husband is compounding by the minuet, my tolerance with the kids is going down and instead of parenting I want to recoil. I am pulling away again.

I am in free fall. I don't scream because there is no noise here. Even in the waves of dark, loneliness, guilt, lack of emotion, self destruction I know that no one would hear me. I want to jump up and down, shine my survival  mirror in the sky for searchers to see, start a large wet fire with lots of smoke that can be seen for miles, I so do not want to be lost. Only like hypothermia, all my scenes are dull, my movements are sluggish, my words are slurred to the point that the people standing around me do not see the bad things about to happen. I will be accused of "quiting" or "even if there was a pill that could cure you tomorrow I'm not sure you would take it because you hold on so tightly to this".  I will be accused some day of neglect. Of being a bad mother for not being able to cope.

I AM NOT THINKING OF HURTING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. I just know that even though I will be here physically no one will be able to count on me. I will not be the person I need to be for those around me. I want the people I love to have the strong woman they need in their life, instead of me.

I walked away from more than one abuser. I stand up for others with my life. I have known passion. I have known happiness. I have made my own hell. I have fought for what I wanted. I have been an active parent. Where is that woman. What has happened to me.

There was a time very recently I thought my husband was done with me. Now even worse, I found myself wishing for strong arms to turn to since my husband is not here. I wish for someone who could make the hurt go away. I never wanted my husband to be off living his life and me be here living a separate one. I want someone here to live with, to raise kids with, to talk to, even worse I want someone close to me who can just hold me when all I can do is shake and cry. Someone to be the parent when I can't. I want to be able to take turns sleeping in and cooking on the weekend. I don't want to be in the country anymore. I want to be close to the park, pizza, friends, and stores. Not for me but for the kids. I want a yard I can mow and I want the trash men to come and take my trash away. I don't think I would be "better" I just think the people around me could cope better if they had things they could go do. Hang out with friends at Sonic, or ride their bikes in the street. Play with the neighborhood kids.

We lost a father, we lost a mother, we lost friends, we lost horses, we lost dogs, we are now losing the cat. There is so much loss. Spinning, falling, tumbling out of control and there is nothing to hold on to. Everything is lost along the way.  I don't to lose any more. I have no control. I can't even pretend or maintain the illusion of control over anything in my world.

Maybe the day light will bring the help I need. I know the sun is supposed to shine and the weather is getting warmer. I hope to find the help I need while I still can. I hope I can move fast enough that I do not become completely lost in the darkness forever.