As I sit here wondering why things happen I have to ask; how, when, and what?
I have reached a place in my life where the only answer is better living through chemicals. The anti-depressants seem to be helping. I am having more good days than bad.
I am having a very hard time with Honey being gone all the time. Even though he goes for work. Even though he works hard to provide a life for the kids and myself. I miss my protector. I remember that above anything that was said when we were wed. As we stood together, so far from home, in order to make legal a bond we already honored, I remember that he promised to protect me. This meant so much to an unsure, shy, scared, single mother of one (at the time). I wanted the man I loved to protect me more than anything in the world. Someone to love me and protect me, how could it ever be any better than that? Now 10 years later...I am all but a single mother of 3. I never in my life wanted to be a single parent. I surly never expected to be a single mother while married to the man I love and who still loves me.
Some days are better than others. I have been working the finances very hard since I came up out of my last abyss. Now I can see the end of the tunnel. The light seemed to be coming from everywhere. I would soon be able to work the budget like I need too. I will have more income than bills, if only by a little. Only that was not to be. In the last 3 or 4 days Honey was so busy doing his job that he forgot to be careful. We now face unimaginable fines in 2 states, the possibility of losing the job that was getting us back on track, and most devastating of all Honey has lost faith in himself to provide. He his hurting and broken so far away from home that I can not help him. He is required by law to stay where he is for no less that 34 hours. Which means that he won't even be able to make it back for the up coming holiday. To increase all the guilt and pain, now he is not just letting down the Company, the family, but also the friends that were very much counting on us to be there for the 4th of July.
The last time he was this far away I had to call him on the phone and tell him that his mother had passed from her cancer. I could not comfort him then either. By the time he got home the walls were built and all I got to see was some break through anger on very rare occasions. How bad will it be this time? How far will he retreat because he knows this is all on him? Nothing that is said or done will be able to make that ever go away in his head.
I can not be the rock he needs me to be without a great personal cost to my own well being. I will. I will be the rock and mortar that keeps this little world moving. A painful dance that requires us to loose ground before we may make forward progress again. I will be lost again. I just hope I have been given enough strength to get my love out of his awful place before I go down. I walk into this dance knowing the cost and do so willingly, not that there is really a choice for me. I love him more than anything in this world.
