What a concept. It is July 25th. Temperature stays in the 100's, the kids got the short end of the stick for summer vacation, Dad and I both started new jobs May 15th.
So my problem is we failed to make the July house payment, we are barely getting by, and now we are looking at putting 3 kids in school. In 2 weeks.
Today was bad. One of the crawl in a hole kind of days. I can go to work and function most days. Today was one of the can't listen to Pandora cause everything makes me cry days. I really thought that the bank was going to cover the house payment but they returned it. I wanted to talk to honey about how we should handle what was left in the bank after that but we were too busy last night, watching TV. So today when the phones went off I just paid the past due so they would come back on. The total devastation was unexpected. I was quietly hoping to make it all the way to payday (which happens every Friday for both of us) with some "black" in the bank. How sad is that we get 2 paychecks every week since may 15th and we still can't pull off a positive balance!
We really thought that Honey being home every night would be a good thing. So he got out of a truck. Well the two years he was gone was a much bigger deal than even I knew. It is not the same. When he left I really wanted to be strong and for him and the kids. I failed. But he changed. When he left I could not imagine life without him here. I did not want to live without him so we did little so he would not miss out. Now we can't do anything without arguments.
Tonight he is angry that he had a do better talk with the kids last night and today nothing was different. I really could have come home and crawled up in his lap to hide from the world but he was angry. I went in the bedroom when the yelling started, he rolls his head at my "giving up". Then he goes and picks a fight with the teen because she is just like me. All the while one of the old truck driving buddies is getting closer to the house to bring "us" money for the mighty middle who is now in football. After the unproductive talk with the teen he comes in and wants to start a conversation with me only the buddy shows up. I stay in my room cause I have nothing left for the fake smile and how are you's. So I wait. The buddy leaves Honey comes and gets in bed. He is snoring as I write.
Not to long ago, like in the last two weeks we shared a Monday off because while getting ready for work we got snappy at each other and he crossed a line. I told him we were through. By the end of the day we managed to get on the same page and had a plan for getting out of trouble. Then there was a day where the we had a serious break down and I suited up for battle. The only problem is I only know one way to to battle. That is to protect me and those behind me at all costs. The problem is Honey is the first thing I have to go through because he is standing right in front of me, looking at me, demanding answers I don't have. Well he begged my not to do that. He said, I fought you once to get you I don't think I can fight you again.
Yet here we stand, toe to toe. He is in the polar bear position and I feel like a mouse. The last thing I want to do is fight that big old bear but the louder he gets, and the taller he stands, and the louder he growls, the less I feel like I have a choice.
He growls, I need you! I need you to find the thing that makes you happy. I am hard wired to go to work and get a pay check to take care of my family, I do the band for fun. What do you do for fun?
I stare.
He growls, you come in here and hide in the bed. You have to go get help, hell, I need help with my anger. We all just need to go talk to someone.
In battle gear I would have told him I do nothing for fun because I am too worried about the other four people in the house. I spend most of the time explaining to the kids that we are supporting Dad's dream of music and that is why our life has changed so much. We can't talk to anyone because that is the stupidist thing you have ever heard of! However, I am not in battle gear so I stare.
And now I am so lost in the everything I can't sleep and he snores.
The house is looking much better these days but we don't tell the kids thank you, we are angry it is not "perfect". That is a relative term since we live in a junk infested college dorm.
Oh God! We have nothing. We sold everything of value and now we stay in this house we can't afford trying soon hard not to look like poor white trash. I may be the only one who will ever understand how bad that realization hurts. The part that sucks is we don't even have the happy home that make poor worth it. I guess I will go work on my breathing, since that has just gotten really hard to do. Good night. 12:03 am July 26th.
