We have many oppertunitites to watch the world work and we also are given the chance to watch what faith in the Lord can allow Him to do in the world. I find that often my struggling includes God. I question what I really believe in. I found myself in a position to watch both work this weekend and I am amazed all the time.
My family has with great pride decided to support my husband in pursuit of his dream. His dream is music. This decision has side effects. We are not always smart with our money. We are often short on cash and wonder where bill money will come from. See he has the ability to make very good money, only we take jobs that allow him to be where he needs to be to work on the music. I, along with back issues that make it hard to get a job, was made a promise by my husband so I get to stay home with the kids. So until the music works out (whatever that may look like) we struggle with money.
This weekend we ran out of gas pulling the band trailer on the turnpike. We called some people and they were busy or did not answer. Then I called the last person in the world I wanted to call because I know the financial struggles she is going through. "I don't have any money but I will come get your right now," is what she told me without hesitation. I asked her to wait to see if we could find another solution because I was leary of leaving the band trailer on the turnpike. She called right back and said she was on her way, her ex-husband gave her the money to bring us some gas. You see my friend and her ex-husband have been challenged recently and have turned faithfully to God to walk them through. Oddly enough they were the only ones who answered the call and were willing to do something to help us.
I started praying as soon as we left that we would make it home. (And we did but not without a lesson first.) I started counting blessings when the gas light came on. My friend came in what seemed like record time. You see along with being stranded on the side of the road with the entire family, my little man was suffering from an acute stomic virus. Thankfuly we had enough plastic bags in the car to get us home. She followed us to the gas station in town where she tried to buy us some gas. God had other plans. As my husband humlbly took the $3.60 in change he found in the car we were given the chance to believe in strangers. The man set the pump for $4.00 and told my husband he was sorry that was the best he could do. As we all got started home my husband asked me if I had been praying and I told him I had. Then he told me what the man at the gas station did.
I learned the people in your inner circle are vital and they can be trusted with everything even if they have to tell you no sometimes. I learned that when we are faithful God can do amazing things. While $0.40 may not seem like a big deal to you and me, at that moment it was a huge message from God to my husband. Honey is still processing but he told me it was huge. I also learned that even when I turn away from my Father he always takes me back with open arms. Sometimes the lessons sting and sometimes I don't get it at all but He knows the plan and makes sure to give me as many oppertunities as I need to learn.
Thank you Father for all the blessings in my life and thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there all the time. A-men.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Who am I? Let's see......
As things began to get still and quiet in the house, I am left alone with myself.
My husband asks me a lot, "What do you want to do? What do you like? What makes you happy?"
I don't know. He gets very frustrated with my answer because he does everything with every fiber of his being. He loves me and the kids. He works hard to provide for and protect our family. He even plays hard. He only knows one way to do things and that is to the best of your ablility all the time. Do it right the first time so you can take pride in your accoumplishments. However, in his line of thinking there is no room for getting caught up in your own head. He is all about "get up and do something about it."
I listen to some other sources of inspration and found myself lost again. One school of thought is you control how you feel not the other way around. So if you are depressed then you just need to tell yourself that you are thankful for this day. That you will not be depressed today. The speaker I listen to is very firm in this area because she has lived through it. Her story is much like other sucess stories you may find in the world. Very bad things happened in her life, it took her a long time to unlearn many things and in the end she is better because the Lord helped her through.
I look at this sucess story and get more lost, how does that happen? If I do not know what makes me happy then how can the loved ones in my life make me happy?
Have you every recived flowers? I have. I remember feeling very special because it is not something that happens to me very often. My parents would get me other things because I can't smell and we did not have that kind of money laying around, I guess. So I would tell the people in my life that it was a waste of money and now I don't get flowers. Just one example of how I hurt my self.
I got it! When I was young, 4th or 5th grade, I wrote a paper about what I thought my life would be like when I was "old" around 30. I can tell you now exactly what that looked like in my head because it was so profound to me. I would be a Vet. and when I was not taking care of others animals I would be on my ranch in the mountians. I would have barns with concrete floors, sand and shaving stalls. State of the art water to the stalls and wash rack. I would have all the tack and feed and meds to take care of the the horses. I would train and board for others. I would proudly watch my 3 children (2 boys and a girl) in the show ring and rodeo arena. In the evenings I would sit on the couch by the fire reading while my husband clicked throught TV channels looking for the football game.
When I hit the bar scene I told interested men all I wanted was to take care of my husband, my kids, and my home. I would brag about being able to bait my own fishing hook, and other things that would get me the attention I wanted. I still can bait my own hook I just don't like the heat of summer in Oklahoma or the skeeters.
The funny thing is I can recall these things and remember the feeling, the hope, and overwhelming desire. But should you ask me right now, I can not tell you anything with passion. I believe that I trained myself to put kids, husband, and home first so I struggle with knowing what I want. It even gets so bad that when my back is out or I am struggling with my house looking like a war zone, I get so numb I don't feel anything.
I guess this question is a lot harder to answer, than it first appeared. Maybe I will figure out the things that make me happy and my struggles will become smaller. Here's to hoping. I want to Live My Life not just be in it.
My husband asks me a lot, "What do you want to do? What do you like? What makes you happy?"
I don't know. He gets very frustrated with my answer because he does everything with every fiber of his being. He loves me and the kids. He works hard to provide for and protect our family. He even plays hard. He only knows one way to do things and that is to the best of your ablility all the time. Do it right the first time so you can take pride in your accoumplishments. However, in his line of thinking there is no room for getting caught up in your own head. He is all about "get up and do something about it."
I listen to some other sources of inspration and found myself lost again. One school of thought is you control how you feel not the other way around. So if you are depressed then you just need to tell yourself that you are thankful for this day. That you will not be depressed today. The speaker I listen to is very firm in this area because she has lived through it. Her story is much like other sucess stories you may find in the world. Very bad things happened in her life, it took her a long time to unlearn many things and in the end she is better because the Lord helped her through.
I look at this sucess story and get more lost, how does that happen? If I do not know what makes me happy then how can the loved ones in my life make me happy?
Have you every recived flowers? I have. I remember feeling very special because it is not something that happens to me very often. My parents would get me other things because I can't smell and we did not have that kind of money laying around, I guess. So I would tell the people in my life that it was a waste of money and now I don't get flowers. Just one example of how I hurt my self.
I got it! When I was young, 4th or 5th grade, I wrote a paper about what I thought my life would be like when I was "old" around 30. I can tell you now exactly what that looked like in my head because it was so profound to me. I would be a Vet. and when I was not taking care of others animals I would be on my ranch in the mountians. I would have barns with concrete floors, sand and shaving stalls. State of the art water to the stalls and wash rack. I would have all the tack and feed and meds to take care of the the horses. I would train and board for others. I would proudly watch my 3 children (2 boys and a girl) in the show ring and rodeo arena. In the evenings I would sit on the couch by the fire reading while my husband clicked throught TV channels looking for the football game.
When I hit the bar scene I told interested men all I wanted was to take care of my husband, my kids, and my home. I would brag about being able to bait my own fishing hook, and other things that would get me the attention I wanted. I still can bait my own hook I just don't like the heat of summer in Oklahoma or the skeeters.
The funny thing is I can recall these things and remember the feeling, the hope, and overwhelming desire. But should you ask me right now, I can not tell you anything with passion. I believe that I trained myself to put kids, husband, and home first so I struggle with knowing what I want. It even gets so bad that when my back is out or I am struggling with my house looking like a war zone, I get so numb I don't feel anything.
I guess this question is a lot harder to answer, than it first appeared. Maybe I will figure out the things that make me happy and my struggles will become smaller. Here's to hoping. I want to Live My Life not just be in it.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Who am I?
When you close your eyes and look into your heart, soul, mind, your being who do you see?
I have been listening today and this is what struck me. Who am I?
I am really afraid because I do not know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I dream about. I don't know my favorite color. I look into me and see gray indecision. I see fear. Uncertainty. I look around this place that is me and I can not find one thing that stands out and says "this is what I am about."
What does this mean? How do I find myself?
I want to live my life not just be in it, I think?
I have been listening today and this is what struck me. Who am I?
I am really afraid because I do not know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I dream about. I don't know my favorite color. I look into me and see gray indecision. I see fear. Uncertainty. I look around this place that is me and I can not find one thing that stands out and says "this is what I am about."
What does this mean? How do I find myself?
I want to live my life not just be in it, I think?
Circles? Really?!
I had a good night sleep last night and I believe there are a couple of reasons for that. One would be, this process that is letting my struggles out into the light. I was speaking to a very dear friend last night and she told me that opening up and putting it down, may be the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. She told me that keeping these things in my head, in the dark, they get big and scary really fast. Once I start grabbing thoughts, dragging them out, shaking the dust off, and putting the pieces together I can see them better. I am making them a whole thought (by putting them down out here in space), so I can then start to see the edges and outlines. I can see them and sort them when they are not all jumbled up in my head. Then slowly this one thought is not as big as it first appeared in the dark. It becomes something to work on, chisel away at, and maybe with the right attitude even control one day. Well, she said some amazing thing like that.
Another reason for some good sleep might be that I have many loved ones in my life who care about me. I am able to step outside of myself today and see that they worry about me all the time. I know that they believe very strongly that by the power of prayer and positive language I will not stay lost. I know that even though I am struggling their convection can give me strength when I can hold on to it. I have a Dad that tells me all the time, "#1. Don't sweat the small stuff & #2. It's all small stuff."
That gets me to my title today. That could be the definition of depression in my world. I get so lost in the stuff.
It kinda looks like this: I get up late yesterday. (pebble) I have no energy because I am tired, because I stayed up late the night before. I stayed up late because I am stuck in my head and can't sleep. (circle #1) I don't do much of anything and survive until nap time. (small accomplishment) We take a nap. We wake up. The little man is cranky because I don't know why. (more pebbles) The teenager has been working on me for over a week and will be riding the bus home today even though it only benefits her. So we load up and drive the 6 miles to the bus stop instead of the 10 miles to school 45 minuets later in the day to pick her up. (frustration at circle #2) Little man won't stay in his car seat. (fight) Then we holler and bounce all over the cab of the truck while we wait for the bus. (getting claustrophobic) Teenager opens the door and climbs in and before the door shuts she is working on me about the next thing she just has to have. (arrggg) Buckle Little man back in his seat because we have to go to town. (brace for the fight, and people) Teenager shifts focus to something that cost money almost at once and has a following immediately. (tag team, great) At this point I am running on E. There is nothing in the tank and no reserve. I will not make it through this day with out wounding or being wounded, most likely both. The landslide has started and it appears at this point it may remain minor. Take care of business in town and are headed to pick up Middle man and the whole side of the mountain comes down. Honey says, "we can do that right, it is not a big deal?" Totally defeated I answer in my small voice, " yes, if that is what we need to do." But I remember saying that there were very specific circumstances that needed to be meet to make that work and that is not even close to what I told you I needed. (when is what I say important?) We are in a free fall. He takes note of the small voice and asks that I explain. I do but the damage is done. We change the plans but I still feel completely worthless, and unheard. (small thing fixed by speaking up, still circling the drain) Now I have all the kids and I'm neck deep before we make it home. I am hurt, I lash out because no one is hearing me and hurt others, the guilt of it all starts to crush and there are still two hours to bed time.
How can I know something as simple as #2 it is all small stuff, and be buried alive by the same small stuff? How can I see the house does not clean it's self, and be completely leveled when I try to clean it up? How do I get so claustrophobic that I have panic attacks that require medication, but I am a pack rat that must have my stuff around me? None of it makes sense. Nothing about where I live in my head is logical. Once the circles start spinning and I feel locked in, there is nothing that can keep me from crashing. We live through this on a daily basis at my house. Of course some days are better than others but the opposite is true as well. When it is a bad day it can get worse.
I gave my husband a circle to represent my Love. It has no beginning and no end, it is unbreakable. How can something so special and big and honest and beautiful also be malicious? I flinch as the circles start flying in from the abyss. As they slide over my head and to my waist, I start the constant motion to keep them moving because if they all stop at the same time I don't get out of bed for days. So I stand here quietly concentrating on keeping them going and everyone wants to know why I am tired? If I get distracted for even one second it all comes crashing down. The really bad days are when no matter what I do they crash down anyway.
I would like to see my struggles turn from circles to a tug-of-war rope. That way as I get past a struggle it will be behind me and be something I can lean on when I need to dig in for the really tough challenges. I could keep moving down the rope, moving forward. I would learn what I need to from a struggle then it becomes part of the base I can brace against as I keep moving. Instead of these circles that never begin because they never end. Even when they fall down around me I have to pick them all up and get them moving again to move forward. I very rarely am able to leave one behind. Even more rarely am I able to break one. They just pile up and are always heavy because I have to carry them all instead of being able to coil them nicely behind me.
I want to Live My Life not just be in it.
Another reason for some good sleep might be that I have many loved ones in my life who care about me. I am able to step outside of myself today and see that they worry about me all the time. I know that they believe very strongly that by the power of prayer and positive language I will not stay lost. I know that even though I am struggling their convection can give me strength when I can hold on to it. I have a Dad that tells me all the time, "#1. Don't sweat the small stuff & #2. It's all small stuff."
That gets me to my title today. That could be the definition of depression in my world. I get so lost in the stuff.
It kinda looks like this: I get up late yesterday. (pebble) I have no energy because I am tired, because I stayed up late the night before. I stayed up late because I am stuck in my head and can't sleep. (circle #1) I don't do much of anything and survive until nap time. (small accomplishment) We take a nap. We wake up. The little man is cranky because I don't know why. (more pebbles) The teenager has been working on me for over a week and will be riding the bus home today even though it only benefits her. So we load up and drive the 6 miles to the bus stop instead of the 10 miles to school 45 minuets later in the day to pick her up. (frustration at circle #2) Little man won't stay in his car seat. (fight) Then we holler and bounce all over the cab of the truck while we wait for the bus. (getting claustrophobic) Teenager opens the door and climbs in and before the door shuts she is working on me about the next thing she just has to have. (arrggg) Buckle Little man back in his seat because we have to go to town. (brace for the fight, and people) Teenager shifts focus to something that cost money almost at once and has a following immediately. (tag team, great) At this point I am running on E. There is nothing in the tank and no reserve. I will not make it through this day with out wounding or being wounded, most likely both. The landslide has started and it appears at this point it may remain minor. Take care of business in town and are headed to pick up Middle man and the whole side of the mountain comes down. Honey says, "we can do that right, it is not a big deal?" Totally defeated I answer in my small voice, " yes, if that is what we need to do." But I remember saying that there were very specific circumstances that needed to be meet to make that work and that is not even close to what I told you I needed. (when is what I say important?) We are in a free fall. He takes note of the small voice and asks that I explain. I do but the damage is done. We change the plans but I still feel completely worthless, and unheard. (small thing fixed by speaking up, still circling the drain) Now I have all the kids and I'm neck deep before we make it home. I am hurt, I lash out because no one is hearing me and hurt others, the guilt of it all starts to crush and there are still two hours to bed time.
How can I know something as simple as #2 it is all small stuff, and be buried alive by the same small stuff? How can I see the house does not clean it's self, and be completely leveled when I try to clean it up? How do I get so claustrophobic that I have panic attacks that require medication, but I am a pack rat that must have my stuff around me? None of it makes sense. Nothing about where I live in my head is logical. Once the circles start spinning and I feel locked in, there is nothing that can keep me from crashing. We live through this on a daily basis at my house. Of course some days are better than others but the opposite is true as well. When it is a bad day it can get worse.
I gave my husband a circle to represent my Love. It has no beginning and no end, it is unbreakable. How can something so special and big and honest and beautiful also be malicious? I flinch as the circles start flying in from the abyss. As they slide over my head and to my waist, I start the constant motion to keep them moving because if they all stop at the same time I don't get out of bed for days. So I stand here quietly concentrating on keeping them going and everyone wants to know why I am tired? If I get distracted for even one second it all comes crashing down. The really bad days are when no matter what I do they crash down anyway.
I would like to see my struggles turn from circles to a tug-of-war rope. That way as I get past a struggle it will be behind me and be something I can lean on when I need to dig in for the really tough challenges. I could keep moving down the rope, moving forward. I would learn what I need to from a struggle then it becomes part of the base I can brace against as I keep moving. Instead of these circles that never begin because they never end. Even when they fall down around me I have to pick them all up and get them moving again to move forward. I very rarely am able to leave one behind. Even more rarely am I able to break one. They just pile up and are always heavy because I have to carry them all instead of being able to coil them nicely behind me.
I want to Live My Life not just be in it.
Good days
It is funny. I started writing and just wanted to put some random struggles out into the world. As I look over what I have written so far I find myself wanting to know more about the author. Do you have good days and what do they look like, I want to ask. Oh, I realize, I do have good days, sometimes just moments. Sometimes, my best moments of the day are when I see I made it through without hurting anyone seriously through action or the lack thereof.
I got to spend the day with all three of my kids, away from the house, doing something fun this past Sunday. I stood in the lines to get the things that we needed. I took the small one to the bathroom while leaving the older two behind. I watched as the middle child went to the bathroom on his own and came back. I had a good day and the kids had fun. Alone these things may not seem like a big deal, but to me and my family they are. I have not done anything like that without my husband almost ever.
I am not comfortable with large crowds. I get claustrophobic and panic. I can when I have too, but the quicker I can get out of that situation the better for everyone. The really weird thing is I would rather be a face in the crowd than be close enough that someone might see my hurts. I prefer the larger church (yes I church when I can) where I am just a face. Sure there is light conversation with the teachers in the kids rooms but it is much to busy for more than a "Hi, good to see you again." At the small church I am afraid that people will want to get to know me and there will be more people in my to worry about letting down or hurting. So I run in, drop the kids off, (oh, get this) sit in the front, and run out when it's over. So taking the kids to any event without my social husband to hide behind is hard for me.
I watch him in awe. He shines most of the time. His light has it's own magnetic pull. I am amazed everyday that this man is with me, even the good ones. He can talk to anyone and everyone. He can laugh until he is gasping for air at the drop of a hat. Well, the drop of a thought would be more accurate. The best part is he does! He laughs, I mean really laughs at things because he can see the humor. I think that is so cool. I wish I could see the movie screen in his head all the time. Our family knows, if he starts, you just have to wait until he can breath again to find out what struck him as funny because there is no telling.
I watch my kids play together and I feel warm. I look outside in awe of what God can do. I see colors. I would talk about the smells of things I love but I can't smell.
I always think in those moments why can't this be enough for me? My dad used to tell me, "someday you are going to have to be happy with what you have," but I am still looking over the fence wondering. Not what is over there because I know. I am in a good place. I have smart (maybe too smart) and healthy kids, a wonderful man to walk through life with, I even have some good stories about how I got to where I am. Those are the things that matter but now when I look of the fence and wonder I wonder about how they do it. Yes, Dad, I hear you. We are all ducks. Calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath. Then I wonder, what makes it so hard for me to keep paddling?
Well I feel good about this entry. I will go to bed tonight not as angry or hurt and maybe a little less lost. I like being able to look at this and see all the positive in there. Maybe someday soon I can look up to find I am living my life and not just in it.
Hope, nice warm hope.
I got to spend the day with all three of my kids, away from the house, doing something fun this past Sunday. I stood in the lines to get the things that we needed. I took the small one to the bathroom while leaving the older two behind. I watched as the middle child went to the bathroom on his own and came back. I had a good day and the kids had fun. Alone these things may not seem like a big deal, but to me and my family they are. I have not done anything like that without my husband almost ever.
I am not comfortable with large crowds. I get claustrophobic and panic. I can when I have too, but the quicker I can get out of that situation the better for everyone. The really weird thing is I would rather be a face in the crowd than be close enough that someone might see my hurts. I prefer the larger church (yes I church when I can) where I am just a face. Sure there is light conversation with the teachers in the kids rooms but it is much to busy for more than a "Hi, good to see you again." At the small church I am afraid that people will want to get to know me and there will be more people in my to worry about letting down or hurting. So I run in, drop the kids off, (oh, get this) sit in the front, and run out when it's over. So taking the kids to any event without my social husband to hide behind is hard for me.
I watch him in awe. He shines most of the time. His light has it's own magnetic pull. I am amazed everyday that this man is with me, even the good ones. He can talk to anyone and everyone. He can laugh until he is gasping for air at the drop of a hat. Well, the drop of a thought would be more accurate. The best part is he does! He laughs, I mean really laughs at things because he can see the humor. I think that is so cool. I wish I could see the movie screen in his head all the time. Our family knows, if he starts, you just have to wait until he can breath again to find out what struck him as funny because there is no telling.
I watch my kids play together and I feel warm. I look outside in awe of what God can do. I see colors. I would talk about the smells of things I love but I can't smell.
I always think in those moments why can't this be enough for me? My dad used to tell me, "someday you are going to have to be happy with what you have," but I am still looking over the fence wondering. Not what is over there because I know. I am in a good place. I have smart (maybe too smart) and healthy kids, a wonderful man to walk through life with, I even have some good stories about how I got to where I am. Those are the things that matter but now when I look of the fence and wonder I wonder about how they do it. Yes, Dad, I hear you. We are all ducks. Calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath. Then I wonder, what makes it so hard for me to keep paddling?
Well I feel good about this entry. I will go to bed tonight not as angry or hurt and maybe a little less lost. I like being able to look at this and see all the positive in there. Maybe someday soon I can look up to find I am living my life and not just in it.
Hope, nice warm hope.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Why Wont You Listen?
I speak english.
I even speak clearly most of the time.
I tell others that I want things, that I need things, even what I expect from them. I answer the questions that are asked of me. Why does no one hear or understand me? As we go through the year I hear my loved ones speak of things they wish to see or have. I make a note and when it is possible I can get those things for them. I worry about the things I want to to for others. I often put myself last to put others first. I try not to look around and say, "Which of you are doing that for me because I am having a hard time seeing it?" I know my perception is off, I know that you may be advertising in neon and I just don't see, and I ask those questions because I want to speak your language. See, I understand we all speak different love langages. Which simply means we all think different things are important in different ways depending on how we were taught. I want to know what the things are that you do that you feel I just brush aside. I feel brushed aside all the time, by everyone.
Example: (just one from today alone)
Mother: Please pick up the livingroom, take out the cat litter, wash your hands, eat dinner, shower, then load the dishwasher.
Son: Guess what I did at school today........
Mother: That is very nice, cool (or whatever applies) Now could you get started for me?
The 8 year old promptly turns to his 3 year old brother and says come on as they take off through the house. After waiting 20 mins, to give the brothers time to play, Mom reminds Son that he has chores he is expected to do. So he picks up a sock and zeros in on the TV.
Now up to this point I am Ok as long as the mess in the house has not sent me into a closterphobic panic attack. From here on out however, it gets insane quick. I am screaming at my 8 year old son and a 15 min job morphs into a 2 1/2 hours marathon. How long can I not do what she has asked of me before she quits pestering me? I know that is what he is thinking because it is a crap shoot as to what kind of day I am having. More than once he gets away with just not doing because I just don't have the energy to fight.
I am sitting here thinking, hurting, begging for help with no one to ask because of this. I started the entry for today about the Good Days. But here I am again, just struggling!
When my daughter was around two, I explained to my husband that you must pick your battles. You have to know what fights are worth having. The problem I have now is that everything is a battle. I have to prove to everyone all the time that I am willing to stand my ground and stand up for myself. I must prove to the 3 year old that I mean it when I say nap time. I have to prove to the 8 year old that I really want him to do what I ask. I have to prove to the 13 year old that I am watching and she can't just run over everyone. I have to prove to the 36 year old that I have a brain.
Only I do not have the strength to fight all those battles everyday, all day long. The longer I am stuck in this place the harder it is to battle. I still remember the time when I could handle my children all the way to bed time. Why am I not important enough for you to listen too. Any of you, all of you, sometimes I NEED you to listen to me because I can not fight today. I don't want to have to prove myself. I don't want to have to explain everything. I don't want to defend myself against you because you don't understand why I can not defend myself and it really does not matter how common sence you think it is.
I speak english and I know that the rest of you do as well because I taught most of you.
I even speak clearly most of the time.
I tell others that I want things, that I need things, even what I expect from them. I answer the questions that are asked of me. Why does no one hear or understand me? As we go through the year I hear my loved ones speak of things they wish to see or have. I make a note and when it is possible I can get those things for them. I worry about the things I want to to for others. I often put myself last to put others first. I try not to look around and say, "Which of you are doing that for me because I am having a hard time seeing it?" I know my perception is off, I know that you may be advertising in neon and I just don't see, and I ask those questions because I want to speak your language. See, I understand we all speak different love langages. Which simply means we all think different things are important in different ways depending on how we were taught. I want to know what the things are that you do that you feel I just brush aside. I feel brushed aside all the time, by everyone.
Example: (just one from today alone)
Mother: Please pick up the livingroom, take out the cat litter, wash your hands, eat dinner, shower, then load the dishwasher.
Son: Guess what I did at school today........
Mother: That is very nice, cool (or whatever applies) Now could you get started for me?
The 8 year old promptly turns to his 3 year old brother and says come on as they take off through the house. After waiting 20 mins, to give the brothers time to play, Mom reminds Son that he has chores he is expected to do. So he picks up a sock and zeros in on the TV.
Now up to this point I am Ok as long as the mess in the house has not sent me into a closterphobic panic attack. From here on out however, it gets insane quick. I am screaming at my 8 year old son and a 15 min job morphs into a 2 1/2 hours marathon. How long can I not do what she has asked of me before she quits pestering me? I know that is what he is thinking because it is a crap shoot as to what kind of day I am having. More than once he gets away with just not doing because I just don't have the energy to fight.
I am sitting here thinking, hurting, begging for help with no one to ask because of this. I started the entry for today about the Good Days. But here I am again, just struggling!
When my daughter was around two, I explained to my husband that you must pick your battles. You have to know what fights are worth having. The problem I have now is that everything is a battle. I have to prove to everyone all the time that I am willing to stand my ground and stand up for myself. I must prove to the 3 year old that I mean it when I say nap time. I have to prove to the 8 year old that I really want him to do what I ask. I have to prove to the 13 year old that I am watching and she can't just run over everyone. I have to prove to the 36 year old that I have a brain.
Only I do not have the strength to fight all those battles everyday, all day long. The longer I am stuck in this place the harder it is to battle. I still remember the time when I could handle my children all the way to bed time. Why am I not important enough for you to listen too. Any of you, all of you, sometimes I NEED you to listen to me because I can not fight today. I don't want to have to prove myself. I don't want to have to explain everything. I don't want to defend myself against you because you don't understand why I can not defend myself and it really does not matter how common sence you think it is.
I speak english and I know that the rest of you do as well because I taught most of you.
I wonder
As I look around the world I wonder.....
How can so much happen to any one person? Everyone in the world struggles with some things, right? Others have real struggles, will my kids eat today, will they find my sister before it is too late, will my solider come home? Others have real trials. Small children watch horrific tragities and grow up to be police men. Men watch brothers die beside them fighting for people they love and people they have never met. Why can they pick themselves up by the boot straps and keep walking? What makes my life so hard that I can not be happy?
Where is God? Do I believe in God? Who does He help? Do I believe that Jesus died for me? Do I believe that I can make God happy? How can someone who loves me so much have so many expectations of me that I fall short of, all the time? Why are the rules so hard to live by? Why are the hoops held so high? Why do You whisper when my own voices are too loud to quiet without medication? Have I failed every morning when I wake up because I took an anti-depressant before bed? How do I put you first in everything when I don't even know where to turn to find the next breath of air? As I sink in my depression, that makes no sense, am I failing again because I can not hold on to You?
Why have you put this wonderful man in my life who does not comprehend depression? Am I his test? And what if he fails Your test, am I to be left totally alone? Why must my kids, parents, siblings, and friends be put through the test of me? Do You not love them? Is this my purpose? How can this help give you the glory? If I am to be a light, why is it so dark here?
What if I can't buy food for the kids because of the bad choices made before I knew why tithing was the thing to do? Do I still give you that money? What if I choose to buy the food instead of God first? What if I cash the paycheck but am so behind at the bank they would keep it if I cashed it there, and I do pay You first? Am I then giving you someone eles' money because I already spent Yours? What about those people who do it right and still struggle everyday? How do those people keep the faith?
I want some of that!
I want to believe without question that someone is there for me no matter what. I want to know that no matter how bad I mess up there are open arms waiting for me. I want to be important to anyone, someone, at the very least the people I love. I let them down and I can not be there when they need me. Why would they be there for me? Why does it hurt so bad when I look up and see everyone has moved on while I was looking down?
Not God because I don't see him hurt for me or because of me. But I do see many others hurt because of my inability to be consistent, involved, or an active particapant in life. I watch people hurt because of me everyday. Some of the hurt is only in my head, but more of it is the people who love me back wanting to help me. Wanting to just grab hold of me and pull me out of the dark. I can't even raise my hand to theirs. Oops, don't look now, because I have found the strength to reach today. Everyone is tried of trying and has gone to take a break. They have lives they have to live too, laundry, dishes, dirty floors, kids that need raising. They will try again tomorrow. Maybe after lunch. Maybe they are just frustrated with me because other people live everyday with everyday problems. Why can't I live? Why is this choice so hard for me?
I want more than anything to Live My Life not just be in it!
How can so much happen to any one person? Everyone in the world struggles with some things, right? Others have real struggles, will my kids eat today, will they find my sister before it is too late, will my solider come home? Others have real trials. Small children watch horrific tragities and grow up to be police men. Men watch brothers die beside them fighting for people they love and people they have never met. Why can they pick themselves up by the boot straps and keep walking? What makes my life so hard that I can not be happy?
Where is God? Do I believe in God? Who does He help? Do I believe that Jesus died for me? Do I believe that I can make God happy? How can someone who loves me so much have so many expectations of me that I fall short of, all the time? Why are the rules so hard to live by? Why are the hoops held so high? Why do You whisper when my own voices are too loud to quiet without medication? Have I failed every morning when I wake up because I took an anti-depressant before bed? How do I put you first in everything when I don't even know where to turn to find the next breath of air? As I sink in my depression, that makes no sense, am I failing again because I can not hold on to You?
Why have you put this wonderful man in my life who does not comprehend depression? Am I his test? And what if he fails Your test, am I to be left totally alone? Why must my kids, parents, siblings, and friends be put through the test of me? Do You not love them? Is this my purpose? How can this help give you the glory? If I am to be a light, why is it so dark here?
What if I can't buy food for the kids because of the bad choices made before I knew why tithing was the thing to do? Do I still give you that money? What if I choose to buy the food instead of God first? What if I cash the paycheck but am so behind at the bank they would keep it if I cashed it there, and I do pay You first? Am I then giving you someone eles' money because I already spent Yours? What about those people who do it right and still struggle everyday? How do those people keep the faith?
I want some of that!
I want to believe without question that someone is there for me no matter what. I want to know that no matter how bad I mess up there are open arms waiting for me. I want to be important to anyone, someone, at the very least the people I love. I let them down and I can not be there when they need me. Why would they be there for me? Why does it hurt so bad when I look up and see everyone has moved on while I was looking down?
Not God because I don't see him hurt for me or because of me. But I do see many others hurt because of my inability to be consistent, involved, or an active particapant in life. I watch people hurt because of me everyday. Some of the hurt is only in my head, but more of it is the people who love me back wanting to help me. Wanting to just grab hold of me and pull me out of the dark. I can't even raise my hand to theirs. Oops, don't look now, because I have found the strength to reach today. Everyone is tried of trying and has gone to take a break. They have lives they have to live too, laundry, dishes, dirty floors, kids that need raising. They will try again tomorrow. Maybe after lunch. Maybe they are just frustrated with me because other people live everyday with everyday problems. Why can't I live? Why is this choice so hard for me?
I want more than anything to Live My Life not just be in it!
Monday, January 17, 2011
My giant step into the world
I have had journals all my life, however I do get into trouble for what I write, when others find and read them. I just thought that I could write for awhile to whoever and everyone. Maybe others think things like I do and are just struggling.
I will write to the abyss that causes my questions and if you are around to read or comment then cool and if not I will remain in my own world with my own thoughts just wondering if there are others out there. I tend to be the lonely one in the middle of the crowd of friends and strangers anyway.
As a mother of three I never thought I would have to beg for advice. To be honest, I kinda thought that the world and I would just line up. The kids would know and understand what I wanted them to do and do it. Guess what! It does not work that way. Kids want and need direction and boundaries. The problem with insecurities, lack of self-esteem, no confidence, and other symptoms of depression is I often feel defeated before I start. So when the kids ask why my resolve shatters. When they stand defiantly before me and demand I hold my ground, I see another failure about to happen. How am I ever going to teach my kids to be functioning adults when all they see is Me?
How do others do it? Make the choice everyday to Live? What is wrong with me? "They" say talk to someone. Ok. I am an intelligent adult female. I get up, shower, get dressed, put on some light make-up and go speak with someone. I talk about how irrational it is to think this way and I have and use all the tools they would give me. More often than not they are not really sure why I am there. I have not found the help I need for the days I don't shower, the make-up is not worth it, the clothes are just something to cover my own disgust so why change them. Where is that help? Is it too late for my kids? Is this a chemical imbalance? Or culture? Did I learn this or did I get it when I was made? How do I fight it? How do I silence myself long enough to find an answer?
I struggle everyday. I may not always move forward and I may be still for very long spells, but I have not ever looked for a way to end this life I have. Mostly (and I don't know that I have EVER said this) I don't want to hurt the ones I love that way. I don't want anyone to have to "find" me. There are many times I wish to simply just be erased so I can not hurt the ones I love anymore. I struggle everyday. I am still here. I want more than anything in the world to Live My Life not just be in it.
I will write to the abyss that causes my questions and if you are around to read or comment then cool and if not I will remain in my own world with my own thoughts just wondering if there are others out there. I tend to be the lonely one in the middle of the crowd of friends and strangers anyway.
As a mother of three I never thought I would have to beg for advice. To be honest, I kinda thought that the world and I would just line up. The kids would know and understand what I wanted them to do and do it. Guess what! It does not work that way. Kids want and need direction and boundaries. The problem with insecurities, lack of self-esteem, no confidence, and other symptoms of depression is I often feel defeated before I start. So when the kids ask why my resolve shatters. When they stand defiantly before me and demand I hold my ground, I see another failure about to happen. How am I ever going to teach my kids to be functioning adults when all they see is Me?
How do others do it? Make the choice everyday to Live? What is wrong with me? "They" say talk to someone. Ok. I am an intelligent adult female. I get up, shower, get dressed, put on some light make-up and go speak with someone. I talk about how irrational it is to think this way and I have and use all the tools they would give me. More often than not they are not really sure why I am there. I have not found the help I need for the days I don't shower, the make-up is not worth it, the clothes are just something to cover my own disgust so why change them. Where is that help? Is it too late for my kids? Is this a chemical imbalance? Or culture? Did I learn this or did I get it when I was made? How do I fight it? How do I silence myself long enough to find an answer?
I struggle everyday. I may not always move forward and I may be still for very long spells, but I have not ever looked for a way to end this life I have. Mostly (and I don't know that I have EVER said this) I don't want to hurt the ones I love that way. I don't want anyone to have to "find" me. There are many times I wish to simply just be erased so I can not hurt the ones I love anymore. I struggle everyday. I am still here. I want more than anything in the world to Live My Life not just be in it.
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