Good days

It is funny. I started writing and just wanted to put some random struggles out into the world. As I look over what I have written so far I find myself wanting to know more about the author. Do you have good days and what do they look like, I want to ask. Oh, I realize, I do have good days, sometimes just moments. Sometimes, my best moments of the day are when I see I made it through without hurting anyone seriously through action or the lack thereof.

I got to spend the day with all three of my kids, away from the house, doing something fun this past Sunday. I stood in the lines to get the things that we needed. I took the small one to the bathroom while leaving the older two behind. I watched as the middle child went to the bathroom on his own and came back. I had a good day and the kids had fun. Alone these things may not seem like a big deal, but to me and my family they are. I have not done anything like that without my husband almost ever.

I am not comfortable with large crowds. I get claustrophobic and panic. I can when I have too, but the quicker I can get out of that situation the better for everyone. The really weird thing is I would rather be a face in the crowd than be close enough that someone might see my hurts. I prefer the larger church (yes I church when I can) where I am just a face. Sure there is light conversation with the teachers in the kids rooms but it is much to busy for more than a "Hi, good to see you again." At the small church I am afraid that people will want to get to know me and there will be more people in my to worry about letting down or hurting. So I run in, drop the kids off, (oh, get this) sit in the front, and run out when it's over. So taking the kids to any event without my social husband to hide behind is hard for me.

I watch him in awe. He shines most of the time. His light has it's own magnetic pull. I am amazed everyday that this man is with me, even the good ones. He can talk to anyone and everyone. He can laugh until he is gasping for air at the drop of a hat. Well, the drop of a thought would be more accurate. The best part is he does! He laughs, I mean really laughs at things because he can see the humor. I think that is so cool. I wish I could see the movie screen in his head all the time. Our family knows, if he starts, you just have to wait until he can breath again to find out what struck him as funny because there is no telling.

I watch my kids play together and I feel warm. I look outside in awe of what God can do. I see colors. I would talk about the smells of things I love but I can't smell.

I always think in those moments why can't this be enough for me? My dad used to tell me, "someday you are going to have to be happy with what you have," but I am still looking over the fence wondering. Not what is over there because I know. I am in a good place. I have smart (maybe too smart) and healthy kids, a wonderful man to walk through life with, I even have some good stories about how I got to where I am. Those are the things that matter but now when I look of the fence and wonder I wonder about how they do it. Yes, Dad, I hear you. We are all ducks. Calm on the surface and paddling like hell underneath. Then I wonder, what makes it so hard for me to keep paddling?

Well I feel good about this entry. I will go to bed tonight not as angry or hurt and maybe a little less lost. I like being able to look at this and see all the positive in there. Maybe someday soon I can look up to find I am living my life and not just in it.

Hope, nice warm hope.