I had a good night sleep last night and I believe there are a couple of reasons for that. One would be, this process that is letting my struggles out into the light. I was speaking to a very dear friend last night and she told me that opening up and putting it down, may be the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. She told me that keeping these things in my head, in the dark, they get big and scary really fast. Once I start grabbing thoughts, dragging them out, shaking the dust off, and putting the pieces together I can see them better. I am making them a whole thought (by putting them down out here in space), so I can then start to see the edges and outlines. I can see them and sort them when they are not all jumbled up in my head. Then slowly this one thought is not as big as it first appeared in the dark. It becomes something to work on, chisel away at, and maybe with the right attitude even control one day. Well, she said some amazing thing like that.
Another reason for some good sleep might be that I have many loved ones in my life who care about me. I am able to step outside of myself today and see that they worry about me all the time. I know that they believe very strongly that by the power of prayer and positive language I will not stay lost. I know that even though I am struggling their convection can give me strength when I can hold on to it. I have a Dad that tells me all the time, "#1. Don't sweat the small stuff & #2. It's all small stuff."
That gets me to my title today. That could be the definition of depression in my world. I get so lost in the stuff.
It kinda looks like this: I get up late yesterday. (pebble) I have no energy because I am tired, because I stayed up late the night before. I stayed up late because I am stuck in my head and can't sleep. (circle #1) I don't do much of anything and survive until nap time. (small accomplishment) We take a nap. We wake up. The little man is cranky because I don't know why. (more pebbles) The teenager has been working on me for over a week and will be riding the bus home today even though it only benefits her. So we load up and drive the 6 miles to the bus stop instead of the 10 miles to school 45 minuets later in the day to pick her up. (frustration at circle #2) Little man won't stay in his car seat. (fight) Then we holler and bounce all over the cab of the truck while we wait for the bus. (getting claustrophobic) Teenager opens the door and climbs in and before the door shuts she is working on me about the next thing she just has to have. (arrggg) Buckle Little man back in his seat because we have to go to town. (brace for the fight, and people) Teenager shifts focus to something that cost money almost at once and has a following immediately. (tag team, great) At this point I am running on E. There is nothing in the tank and no reserve. I will not make it through this day with out wounding or being wounded, most likely both. The landslide has started and it appears at this point it may remain minor. Take care of business in town and are headed to pick up Middle man and the whole side of the mountain comes down. Honey says, "we can do that right, it is not a big deal?" Totally defeated I answer in my small voice, " yes, if that is what we need to do." But I remember saying that there were very specific circumstances that needed to be meet to make that work and that is not even close to what I told you I needed. (when is what I say important?) We are in a free fall. He takes note of the small voice and asks that I explain. I do but the damage is done. We change the plans but I still feel completely worthless, and unheard. (small thing fixed by speaking up, still circling the drain) Now I have all the kids and I'm neck deep before we make it home. I am hurt, I lash out because no one is hearing me and hurt others, the guilt of it all starts to crush and there are still two hours to bed time.
How can I know something as simple as #2 it is all small stuff, and be buried alive by the same small stuff? How can I see the house does not clean it's self, and be completely leveled when I try to clean it up? How do I get so claustrophobic that I have panic attacks that require medication, but I am a pack rat that must have my stuff around me? None of it makes sense. Nothing about where I live in my head is logical. Once the circles start spinning and I feel locked in, there is nothing that can keep me from crashing. We live through this on a daily basis at my house. Of course some days are better than others but the opposite is true as well. When it is a bad day it can get worse.
I gave my husband a circle to represent my Love. It has no beginning and no end, it is unbreakable. How can something so special and big and honest and beautiful also be malicious? I flinch as the circles start flying in from the abyss. As they slide over my head and to my waist, I start the constant motion to keep them moving because if they all stop at the same time I don't get out of bed for days. So I stand here quietly concentrating on keeping them going and everyone wants to know why I am tired? If I get distracted for even one second it all comes crashing down. The really bad days are when no matter what I do they crash down anyway.
I would like to see my struggles turn from circles to a tug-of-war rope. That way as I get past a struggle it will be behind me and be something I can lean on when I need to dig in for the really tough challenges. I could keep moving down the rope, moving forward. I would learn what I need to from a struggle then it becomes part of the base I can brace against as I keep moving. Instead of these circles that never begin because they never end. Even when they fall down around me I have to pick them all up and get them moving again to move forward. I very rarely am able to leave one behind. Even more rarely am I able to break one. They just pile up and are always heavy because I have to carry them all instead of being able to coil them nicely behind me.
I want to Live My Life not just be in it.
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