What if.....

What if I trusted myself....? What if we had the money to pay the bills....? What if I had my husband around to help me....? What if I had everything my heart desires....? What if I lived where I want to live....? What if I trusted God....? What if I had a plan to get out of debt....? What if I cared about my debt...? What if I went to work....? What if I don't go to work...? What if ...?

I had to go to the school and pick up the Oldest Boy on Monday. Since 4:15 Monday afternoon I have been alone with the kids. I believe that the kids are taking turns getting sick. The Oldest Boy had fever since Monday night. The Little Man has picked up the cough. There is a chance the bigger kids can go back to school on Friday. How funny is that? Tuesday through Thursday out for bad weather. It has been so cold here the kids don't even want to play outside. Well they want too, but every time they try they get too cold after about 5-6 minuets.

Honey changed jobs and started last Friday. He left last Sunday. He delivered Monday, picked up on Tuesday, and delivered that load today. We don't really know what this job will do for our family but my Honey is thinking that it is better. I am defeated. I am overwhelmed. I sit here paralyzed tonight. I am facing another day with all the kids home by myself tomorrow and I got the 3rd five min phone call today and was included in the beginning of a conversation that was if the band was not gigging this weekend due to weather, then he would just stay out on the road to get us a good check on the first payday.

Every time he has called today we were cut off by someone who needed his attention more than I did. Something about work most times. Tonight he will be staying the night 45 min away from home because he would have to get up too early to get there on time in the morning. Tonight he will go to sleep before I do and will sleep longer that I will. The kids have an internal alarm that goes off at 6am everyday but school days.

As I sat in my living room with my head in my hands trying to focused on breathing and not giving in to the panic attack, I decided to write this blog. I can honestly say that I will be getting up to take medication in just a few minuets. The Teen is watching the Little Man and the Oldest Boy is dosed with fever medicine. I can now take meds and only have to worry about the awake kids a little. I am just breathing now... in..2..3..out..2..3. Honey just posted on facebook. I have not talked to him for more than 15 minuets all day.

I see the other people in my world that are struggling with things like pain, finance, emotion, relationships, and many other things. What if I don't survive....? What if I don't have enough ____to get through the wilderness...?
This is an idea of what the bad days look like.

Just an idea.
(I really have to go focus now before I lose it completely.)